与摄影暂别  

 A temporary farewell to photography

最近几天WXC上聊摄影、显美图的朋友挺多，我却决定与之暂别了。心中有些不舍，扯得稍微远一点儿 —

In recent days, there have been many friends on WXC chatting about photography and sharing beautiful images, but I have decided to take a temporary break from it. There's a bit of reluctance in my heart, pulling away a little further and earlier —

1.

我最早按快门要追溯到大约上初二的时候。做机械工程师的父亲的实验室有一架“海鸥”DF135照相机。他们在工作中，有时须换上特殊镜头拍一些金属断面的照片。我印象里，大约有三、四次，我们家里有比较值得纪念的事情或是全家周末出游，父亲就把相机（带50mm或58 mm镜头）借回家，我们买一卷胶卷一次拍完。在这过程中，他大致跟我介绍了一下光圈，快门速度，胶卷的ISO以及景深等概念，我明白了个大概。那个相机当然是没有测光表的，曝光指数完全依照经验。这是初学者使用全手动相机最大的挑战之一。

My earliest experience with pressing the shutter dates back to around the second year of junior high school. My father, who was a mechanical engineer, had a "Seagull" DF135 camera in his laboratory. In their work, they sometimes needed to use special lenses to take photos of metal cross-sections. I remember about three or four times when there were memorable events in our family or we went on a weekend outing, my father would borrow the camera (with a 50mm or 58mm lens), we would buy a roll of film, and shoot it all at once. During this process, he roughly introduced me to concepts like aperture, shutter speed, film ISO, and depth of field, and I got a general understanding. Of course, that camera didn't have a light meter; exposure was entirely based on experience. This was one of the biggest challenges for beginners using a fully manual camera.

到了大学里，班级集体出去玩经常也是租一个相机。学校边上就是做这种生意的。我们一般租那种双镜头相机，使用120胶卷。只要把几块钱押金（忘了具体数）和学生证押在店里，就可以租一个相机出来，一日的租金也比较合理。这种相机的拍摄者是看上面的毛玻璃，被摄者的上下是反的，颇有趣味。现在看那时候的老照片，毛病之一是人拍得太小，构图也成问题，这些都是经验不足所致。到了大学的后期，有同学开始有相机了，就再也不用去租。记得我们班有位女生的父亲从日本出差回来，带给她一个135相机。虽然后来想想不过是个全塑料、固定镜头、非单反的初级相机，但当时觉得很高级。

In college, when our class went on outings, we would often rent a camera. There was a business near the school that did this. We usually rented those twin-lens cameras using 120 film. As long as we left a few yuan (forgot the exact amount) and our student ID as a deposit, we could rent a camera, and the daily rate was reasonable. The users of these cameras looked through the top viewfinder, and the orientation was reversed, which was quite interesting. Looking at the old photos from that time, one problem was that people were often photographed too small, and composition was also an issue, all due to lack of experience. In the later years of college, some classmates started owning cameras, and we didn't need to rent anymore. I remember a girl in our class whose father came back from a business trip to Japan and brought her a 135 camera. Although looking back, it was just a basic plastic, fixed-lens, non-SLR camera, at that time, it felt very advanced.

2.

在出国前的5年里，我有一个稳定的第二职业，即在北京的某个周报当兼职编辑。一名理科生怎么有那个经历，说来话长。那是一个独特、有趣的经历，以后有机会单写。我负责一个版面的组稿和排版，出席每周的编辑、记者全体会，然后呆在编辑部一整天，所以很快跟七、八个全职编辑记者就混熟了。摄影记者老钱原来是《中国青年报》的摄影记者，见多识广，颇受主编器重。在我们这个小报财力有限的情况下，批准他购买了尼康F4机身外加三个顶级镜头。我进编辑部时，器材刚到，老钱爱不释手。其他编辑记者也好生羡慕嫉妒，尽管他们不摄影。为什么呢，原来老钱这套行头，价格超过了报社广告部的那辆“松花江”小面包车，是我们小报编辑部里最昂贵的资产，且完全由老钱一人把持。

In the five years before I went abroad, I had a second job as an editor for a weekly magazine / newspaper in Beijing. It was a unique and interesting experience, which I may write about separately when I get a chance. I was responsible for compiling and typesetting a section, attending the weekly editorial and reporter meetings, and then spending the whole day in the editorial department. So, I quickly became familiar with the full-time editors and reporters. The photojournalist Lao Qian used to be a photojournalist for the "China Youth Daily" and was well-experienced, highly valued by the chief editor. In our small newspaper with limited financial resources, he was approved to purchase a Nikon F4 body plus three top-notch lenses. When I joined the editorial department, the equipment had just arrived, and Lao Qian couldn't put it down. Other editors and reporters envied him, even though they didn't do photography. Why? Because Lao Qian's set of equipment cost more than the newspaper's advertising department's minivan, making it the most expensive asset in our editorial department, entirely controlled by Lao Qian.

很快，老钱就发现我喜欢摄影。于是他就有时跟我聊聊摄影的技法，还把他的尼康F4让我摸摸，甚至拍两张，但都是他在场。这玩意在当时的中国是巨额财产。他说他认识的一个摄影记者，几年前带着顶级摄影器材去外地采访，结果器材被抢，人被打成重伤，留下后遗症。过了一、两年，他建议我买一套自己的。他说尼康F3很不错，我一查价钱，买不起。他说这样吧，我陪你去西单摄影器材商店，看看有什么选项，你买可以负担的最好的。我从银行取出了我所有的钱储蓄约6700元。我95年之所以如此之“富”，是因为这包括了我大学毕业后去讲师团一年的津贴，与他人合译一部专业书的稿费，以及到编辑部一年多的外快。我告诫自己，绝不能花过5千。结果呢，在老钱的和店员的双重建议、鼓励之下，我买了尼康F50机身，Sigma28-70 mm和 Sigma70-300 mm 两个镜头。离开商店的时候，除去摄影器材，我的总财产只有人民币两位数了。

Soon, Lao Qian found out that I liked photography. Sometimes he would chat with me about photographic techniques, let me touch and take a couple of shots with his Nikon F4, but always with him present. At that time, this kind of camera was a huge asset in China. He mentioned a story of a photojournalist he knew who, a few years ago, went to another place for an interview with top-notch photographic equipment. His equipment was snatched away. He got severely beaten and left with lasting injuries. After a year or two, he suggested that I should buy my own set. He said the Nikon F3 body was very good, but after checking the price, I realized that I couldn't afford it. He said, "How about this, I'll accompany you to the Xidan camera equipment store, and see what options are available. You buy the best one you can afford." I withdrew all my savings from the bank, about 6,700 yuan. The reason I was so "rich" in 1995 was because it included the allowance I received for a year as a teacher in a middle school in the countryside (sending by the government) shortly after graduating from college, the fee for co-translating a professional book with others, and the extra income from working in the editorial department for more than a year. I warned myself not to spend more than 5,000 yuan. The result? Under the dual advice and encouragement of Lao Qian and the store clerk, I bought a Nikon F50 body, Sigma 28-70mm, and Sigma 70-300mm lenses. When I left the store, apart from the photography equipment, my total assets were only in double digits of RMB.

3.

这套尼康器材虽然是纯业余级别，且不是原厂镜头，但毕竟是自动测光、自动对焦的新一代产品，且有从28至300 mm的很宽的范围，这为拍摄提供了极大的方便。这套系统跟了我8年，记录了我在国内最后3年和美国生活前5年的重要时刻。这个时候，相机主要是用来拍摄纪念照和旅游照片，偶尔拍几张风景照。记得当时在北京，我有一次背着摄影包去拍摄一位朋友的婚礼，也很像那么回事儿。Candid camera是对他们婚纱摄影的很好的补充。

Although this Nikon equipment was at a purely amateur level and the lenses were not Nikon brand, it was still a new generation product with automatic metering and autofocus, providing great convenience with a wide range from 28 to 300 mm. This system accompanied me for 8 years, recording important moments in my last 3 years in China and the first 5 years of in the United States. At this time, the camera was mainly used for taking commemorative and travel photos, occasionally shooting some landscape photos. I remember back in Beijing, I carried my camera bag to shoot a friend's wedding banquet.  My equipment looked quite impressive to some people. Candid camera was another side of the coin comparing to their posed wedding photography.

到美国以后，2000年我搬了一次家，住隔壁的中国老兄是一位摄影发烧友。我看了他的照片，再听他云山雾罩地侃摄影器材，心中顿生羡慕。他说自然摄影中，自己不敢尝的试摄影门类主要就是“打鸟”（拍摄飞鸟的行话）和拍微距。两者的成功率都太低，对器材的要求也高，用胶卷拍摄成本吃不消，而且不能马上看到照片以调整参数也是问题。我当然更是没有尝试的可能。但他的话确勾起了我的兴趣。我知道如果不考虑限制因素，这两类摄影应该是我特别喜欢的。我不喜欢拍摄肖像，我不是在这个类别上精益求精的人。我更不喜欢在街头巷尾把镜头对着陌生的人抓拍。

After moving to the United States, I once changed residences in 2000, and the Chinese guy living next door was a photography enthusiast. Looking at his photos and listening to his fervent talk about equipment, I felt envious. He mentioned that in nature photography, the areas he dared not venture into were "birding " (the jargon for taking bird photography) and macro photography. Because the success rates for both were too low and the equipment requirements were also high, shooting with film was cost-prohibitive, and not being able to immediately see the photos to adjust parameters was also a problem. Of course, I had no capacity to try at that time either. But he did pique my interest. I knew that if not for these limiting factors, these two types of photography should be what I especially liked. I didn't like taking portraits; I'm not someone who excels in that category. I cannot point the lens at unfamiliar people for candid shots either.

2003年，佳能在世界上首先推出$1000的数字单反Canon 300D。我看了一下介绍和样片，6.3 Mpix足以产生不亚于一般胶卷的画质。于是我当机立断，在ebay上卖掉了那套尼康系统，买了300D加kit镜头。数字相机没有成本的拍摄为“打鸟”创造了条件。然而打鸟需要长镜头。我当时一个博士后，有家有口，不不太可能马上再花几千刀。于是就想找省钱又可以接受的办法。然而在这个事情上，我是走了弯路的，直到2008年才正过来，具体细节就不细说了。恰好此时我在纽约州找到了工作，于是，在家人搬到纽约州之前，我很自由地独自拍摄了3年，拍了至少5万张照片，以打鸟为主。下面是几个例子：

In 2003, Canon was the first in the world to release a sub- $1000 digital SLR, the Canon 300D. After looking at the introduction and samples, the 6.3 megapixels were sufficient to produce image quality not inferior to regular film. So, I made a snap decision, sold that Nikon system on eBay, and bought the 300D with the kit lens. Digital cameras created conditions for "birding" without the cost of film. However, birding required long lenses. At that time, I was a postdoc with a family, and it wasn't feasible to spend several thousand dollars more immediately. So, I thought of finding a way to save money and still get acceptable results. However, in this matter, I took a detour and only realized the right path years later, but I won't go into details here.  In 2008, I found a job in New York State. Before my family moved here, I freely shot for 3 years, taking at least 50,000 photos, mainly focusing on birding. Here are a few examples:

与此同时，我也添置了微距镜头和专用闪光灯，开始拍摄一些微距照片。我的家人从大学城搬过来之后，我每个周末整天出门就不太合适了。我记得2014年夏天的一个星期六，家中要请客。我一大早出门去拍摄燕鸥和shore birds，准备下午两、三点往回赶。那天由于拍摄机会太好，我居然把事情完全给忘了。我老婆快7点打电话过来问，客人已经来了，你在哪儿？哈，我还在一个半小时车程以外的长岛海滩上呢…… 于是，打鸟活动减少，微距摄影逐步增加。拍微距一般不需要去远处的野地，去植物园、花园就可以了。比较小块的时间，比如半天，也凑合。下面是我拍摄的几张微距照片：

At the same time, I also purchased macro lenses and a dedicated flash, starting to take some macro photos. After my family moved from the university town, it wasn't very suitable for me to go out all day every weekend. I remember one Saturday in the summer of 2014; we were hosting guests at home. I went out early in the morning to shoot terns and shore birds, planning to return around two or three in the afternoon. That day, because the shooting opportunities were extremely good, I completely forgot about the arrangement. My wife called and asked at 7 pm: 'The guests have arrived, where are you?' Haha, I was still on a Long Island beach about an hour and a half away... So, birding activities decreased, and macro photography gradually increased. Macro photography generally doesn't require going to distant wild areas; botanical gardens and flower gardens are sufficient. Short periods of time, like half a day, are also acceptable. Here are a few macro photos I took:

4.

摄影，对我来说不是光是“拍照片”。它远不是按快门那么简单。它首先需要有一个心理的状态和投入，然后才有器材和行程的准备，再有拍摄时的精心与合理，回家以后还要不受干扰地对照片加以浏览和取舍，然后对选出的少量照片进行后期制作等等。在过去的几年里，因为两个孩子上高中、申请大学等原因，导致我首先缺乏心理准备状态，拍得越来越少了。家中的共识是，等2023年女儿去大学了，我就全面恢复摄影。而且，鉴于近年mirrorless取代dSLR的大趋势，以及它在连续对焦和机身防抖方面的巨大优势，我将投入1-2万刀更新器材。我的同学、朋友也常开玩笑等待我“再造辉煌”呢。

Photography, for me, is not just about "taking pictures." It's not as simple as pressing the shutter. It first requires a psychological state and dedication, then preparation of equipment and itinerary, followed by careful and skillful shooting in the fields, evaluating and selecting photos without disturbance when back home, and post-processing of selected photos, and so on. In the past few years, due to reasons such as my two children entering high school and applying for college, I lacked the psychological preparedness, so I took fewer and fewer photos. I didn't necessarily do much, but it would be "politically" incorrect if I disappeared in weekends and holidays during the past several years.  The consensus at home was that, when our daughter goes to college in 2023, I would fully resume photography. Moreover, given the recent trend of mirrorless cameras replacing DSLRs and their significant advantages in continuous autofocus and in-body stabilization, I would invest 10-20 thousand dollars to update my equipment. My friends often jokingly wait for me to "make a grand comeback."

然而，世上的事情有时会节外生枝。有时仿佛有一只看不见的手影响着事物的走向。我来文学城多年，原先用另外一个网名，喜欢在“交点新闻”和某些栏目中发评论，经常@#￥%与某些人吵得不可开交。几年下来，觉得鸡同鸭讲实在没什么意思。小时候其实就明白，人不能被压服；长大以后更明白，人其实也不能被说服。于是就决定不再啰嗦，进而有了开辟自己的园地的想法。由于唐宋诗词之美和对它们的兴趣，博客一开始的考虑是系统研读和和欣赏唐诗宋词。作为一个在公司里上班的理科生，这个工程其实是有些过于庞大了。特别是有很多地方我不想人云亦云或蒙混过关，思考和查询就特别费时间。此外，诗词这种“小众”的东西，我花那么多精力，也只有很少的人感兴趣，认真去读。我有时自嘲，自问冥冥之中有什么力量使得我去费这傻劲。

However, things in the world sometimes take unexpected turns. Sometimes, it seems like there is an invisible hand influencing the course of events. I have been on WXC for years, originally using another username, enjoying commenting on "News and focus" and certain columns. I often argued vehemently with some people. Over the years, I felt the arguments with incompatible views was not meaningful. I had understood as a child that people cannot be coerced; as I grew older, I understood later that people cannot be persuaded, too. So, I decided not to be verbose anymore and then came up with the idea of creating my own space. Due to the beauty of Tang and Song poetry and my interest in them, the initial consideration for the blog was to systematically study and appreciate Tang and Song poems. As a scientist, this project was actually a bit too ambitious for several means. in studying ancient poetry, I don't want to go along with the literature or just pass through. Thus, thinking and researching take a lot of time. Even though this "niche" thing required a lot of effort, not many people were genuinely interested and willing to read carefully. Sometimes I mock myself, asking what force in the depths of fate made me go through this trouble.

这还不算。因为有了自己的园地，一段时间以后，就想着“种”点别的。于是博客中加入了分析、评论、回忆、科普等文章。从点击率来看，这些文章反倒是“大众”，网友也给予诸多好评，鼓励我多多写下去。这样，时间的矛盾愈发突出。无论如何，我也无法将博客与摄影兼顾了。摄影我已经做了20余年，知道了其中的基本门道，那就暂时放一放吧。但心中也真是不舍的。两个月前我写了一首小诗《纠结》，反映了这种心情：https://blog.wenxuecity.com/myblog/80301/202310/4466.html

That's not all. Because I had my own blog, after a while, I thought about writing something else. So, I added analysis, commentary, reminiscence, popular science, and other articles to the blog. From the click-through rates, these articles turned out to be much more "popular," and netizens gave many positive reviews, encouraging me to continue writing. In this way, the contradiction of time became even more pronounced. In any case, I couldn't balance the blog (mostly studying antient poetry) and photography. I have been doing photography for more than 20 years, understood the basics, so let's put it on hold for now. But in my heart, I truly feel reluctant. Two months ago, I wrote a small poem, "Dilemma," reflecting this mood: [website]

5.

从15年前开始，每年我都用我的自己拍摄的照片，为亲朋好友做一个年历，这是我每个年末的“保留节目”。这个年历是实用的，每一天的空白处可以加注、写字。其实，我照片的存货多得是，即便我不再拍一张照片，这种日历做到我死也没有问题。但是最近几年来一直多用“存货”，我感觉不好。于是，就在前几天给朋友的圣诞祝贺中，我告诉朋友们，今年这可能是最后一次了。我开始了一项新的个人计划。极其花费时间，我需要专心致志。我希望将来有一天再恢复摄影。

Starting from 15 years ago, every year I use my own photos to create a calendar for family and friends. This calendar is practical, with space for notes or writing on each day. I have plenty of inventory of my photos. Even if I don't take another photo, making this kind of calendar until I die would not be a problem. But in recent years, I have been using old "inventory" a lot, and it doesn't feel right. So, just a few days ago, in the Christmas greetings to friends, I told them that this year might be the last time. I have started a new personal plan. It takes an extreme amount of time, and I need to focus. I hope that I can resume photography one day in the future.

人的生命总是单向往前的。所以未来不管是否再拿起相机，都不会是过去的重复。它究竟怎样，我又是不知道的，让未来自然展开吧。我知道的是，我得跟的过去的一章告个别，开始新的一章……填小词【捣练子令】一首（平水韵七阳）：

Life always moves forward unidirectionally. So, whether I pick up the camera again in the future or not, it won't be a repetition of the past. What it will be like exactly, I don't know. Let the future unfold itself. What I do know is that for now I need to bid farewell to one chapter and start a new one now... Here is a small poem I just wrote to express my thought:

飞鸟在，角弓藏，

满目青山面夕阳。

百味人生多采撷，

静观世道涌苍黄。

Flying birds present, yet the bow is hidden,

I look at the green mountains and face the sun sets.

Can life be more flavored only to grasp and enlighten,

Just calmly observe as the world's tides make their bets.

[Edited from ChatGPT translation.]