Chapter iii. — An odd accident which befel Mr Allworthy at his return home. The decent behaviour of Mrs Deborah Wilkins, with some proper animadversions on bastards.

I have told my reader, in the preceding chapter, that Mr Allworthy inherited a large fortune; that he had a good heart, and no family. Hence, doubtless, it will be concluded by many that he lived like an honest man, owed no one a shilling, took nothing but what was his own, kept a good house, entertained his neighbours with a hearty welcome at his table, and was charitable to the poor, i.e. to those who had rather beg than work, by giving them the offals from it; that he died immensely rich and built an hospital.

And true it is that he did many of these things; but had he done nothing more I should have left him to have recorded his own merit on some fair freestone over the door of that hospital. Matters of a much more extraordinary kind are to be the subject of this history, or I should grossly mis-spend my time in writing so voluminous a work; and you, my sagacious friend, might with equal profit and pleasure travel through some pages which certain droll authors have been facetiously pleased to call The History of England.

Mr Allworthy had been absent a full quarter of a year in London, on some very particular business, though I know not what it was; but judge of its importance by its having detained him so long from home, whence he had not been absent a month at a time during the space of many years. He came to his house very late in the evening, and after a short supper with his sister, retired much fatigued to his chamber. Here, having spent some minutes on his knees—a custom which he never broke through on any account—he was preparing to step into bed, when, upon opening the cloathes, to his great surprize he beheld an infant, wrapt up in some coarse linen, in a sweet and profound sleep, between his sheets. He stood some time lost in astonishment at this sight; but, as good nature had always the ascendant in his mind, he soon began to be touched with sentiments of compassion for the little wretch before him. He then rang his bell, and ordered an elderly woman-servant to rise immediately, and come to him; and in the meantime was so eager in contemplating the beauty of innocence, appearing in those lively colours with which infancy and sleep always display it, that his thoughts were too much engaged to reflect that he was in his shirt when the matron came in. She had indeed given her master sufficient time to dress himself; for out of respect to him, and regard to decency, she had spent many minutes in adjusting her hair at the looking-glass, notwithstanding all the hurry in which she had been summoned by the servant, and though her master, for aught she knew, lay expiring in an apoplexy, or in some other fit.

It will not be wondered at that a creature who had so strict a regard to decency in her own person, should be shocked at the least deviation from it in another. She therefore no sooner opened the door, and saw her master standing by the bedside in his shirt, with a candle in his hand, than she started back in a most terrible fright, and might perhaps have swooned away, had he not now recollected his being undrest, and put an end to her terrors by desiring her to stay without the door till he had thrown some cloathes over his back, and was become incapable of shocking the pure eyes of Mrs Deborah Wilkins, who, though in the fifty-second year of her age, vowed she had never beheld a man without his coat. Sneerers and prophane wits may perhaps laugh at her first fright; yet my graver reader, when he considers the time of night, the summons from her bed, and the situation in which she found her master, will highly justify and applaud her conduct, unless the prudence which must be supposed to attend maidens at that period of life at which Mrs Deborah had arrived, should a little lessen his admiration.

第3回——万德全先生回家时意外遇到的一件怪事。卫黛菠大妈的正派作风，以及她对私生子恰当的冷嘲热讽。

上回我给各位说到，万德全先生继承了一大笔财富，他心地善良，鳏居独处。因此，毫无疑问许多人会得出这样的结论：万德全忠厚诚实，对旁人分文不欠；非他所有，虽一毫而不取；他所住房屋华美，真心诚意待人，时常在家中招待邻里街坊，同时他怜贫惜穷（就是那些宁可讨吃要饭也不愿工作的贫穷之人），把餐桌上的剩饭送给他们；以至于人们断言说，他去世时留下一大笔钱，并盖了一家医院。

他确实做过许多诸如此类的事情，但如果仅此而已的话，让他把自己的功德刻在那家医院大门上某块漂亮的易切石上也就可以了。但是这部个人史的主旨是某些更为异乎寻常的怪事，否则我累牍连篇地写这样一部作品，那就是在严重浪费我的时间了。某些诙谐作家不分场合爱开玩笑，心悦诚服地把这部书中的某些章回戏称为《英格兰史记》。而您作为我的良友，在翻阅这些章回时，也许可以获得同样的收益和乐趣。

万德全先生离开家在伦敦呆了整整一个季度，尽管我并不了解具体因为何事，但一定是为了某件非常特殊的事情。而在过去多年，他每次离家在外都不会呆超过一个月。此次离家在外这么久，由此可断定事情有多么重要。他回到家已是深夜，和妹妹一起草草用了晚餐，浑身感到精疲力竭，便回到了自己的卧室。然后他双膝跪地祈祷了几分钟——这是他多年来雷打不动的一个习惯——他正准备着上床，掀开床单时，非常惊讶地看到里面竟然躺着个婴儿，全身用粗麻布包裹，在两层床单之间正沉沉酣睡着。看到如此情景，万德全茫然不知所措，惊讶地呆呆站了一会儿；但是，由于他生性善良，很快便开始对面前这个小东西萌生了怜悯之情。于是他按响了铃，吩咐立刻叫醒一位老妈子到他卧室来一趟；同时，他迫不及待仔细端详着这个婴儿的天真烂漫之美，而这种美常常出现在那些栩栩如生的色彩之中，就是婴儿睡着时透过这些色彩一直展示出来的美。他思绪万千，注意力太过集中，以至于老妈子来到他的卧室时，他竟没意识到自己身上只穿着内衣呢。尽管当时仆人招呼老妈子快去见主人，并告诉她说，主人像是犯了羊癫疯或者其他某种风症似的，正躺在床上，眼看着就要一命归天了。但是在她到来之前，确实给主人留了足够的时间完全可以将他自己的衣服穿戴整齐。因为出于对主人的尊重以及自己生活作风正派的考虑，老妈子在出发之前花了很长一段时间在化妆镜前将自己的头发捯饬了又捯饬。

一个对自己的生活作风要求如此严格之人，在看到别人身上有丝毫偏差本该感到大为震惊，这并不足为奇。因此，当老妈子一打开主人卧室的门，看到男主人身穿内衣，手举蜡烛，站在床边，她吓了一大跳，身子直往后退。要不是男主人当时想起自己还没穿戴整齐，请卫黛菠大妈在门外等一下，以便他好往自己肩上披几件衣服，免得让卫黛菠大妈那双揉不得沙子纯真无邪的眼睛受到惊吓，她也许会当场晕倒在地。尽管卫黛菠大妈已经步入五十二岁的年纪，但她发誓说之前还从未见过不穿外套的男人。对于她人生中第一次受到这样的惊吓，那些喜欢冷嘲热讽之人，以及不把神灵放在眼里爱开玩笑之人也许会对她的这种反应不以为然。然而要是成熟稳重的读者想想看，当时正值深更半夜、把老妈子从床上叫起来，以及她看到主人时所处的情形，就会高度肯定并赞扬她的这种行为。到了这把年纪的老姑娘就应该谨慎行事，否则读者对卫黛菠大妈的钦佩程度就会多多少少打点折扣。