中美为何谈崩了

中美贸易战进入了新的一轮，在两个称兄道弟强人元首在阿根廷一番哥俩好之后，各自的代表就开始了谈判，两边人马在两个国家的首都轮流吃喝，边享乐边宣称谈判进展顺利，气氛很好，可是到了最后的时候，却谈崩了，为什么？

原来两边开始讨论写协议了，中方说你们的英文好，就由你们起草吧，美方听了暗暗地高兴，连忙答应，好的好的，no problemO！并马上行动，写了下面的条约，给中方传去。

Peking Treaty (Final for Signature)

Article I There shall henceforth be Peace and Friendship between the US of Great Again America made by the stable genius president Donald J. Trump and the People’s Republic of China with Perm. President Xu as its core) and between their respective Subjects, who shall enjoy full security and protection for their persons and property within the Dominions of the other.

Article II His Majesty the President of China agrees that American Subjects, with their families and establishments, shall be allowed to reside, for the purpose of carrying on their commercial pursuits, without molestation or restraint at the Cities, Towns and Villages in mainland China, Hong Kong, Macau and Taiwan, and Her Majesty the King of Great Again America, etc., will appoint Superintendents or Consular Officers, to reside at each of the above named Cities or Towns, to be the medium of communication between the Chinese Authorities and the said Merchants, and to see that the just Duties and other Dues of the Chinese Government as hereafter provided for, are duly discharged by Her American Majesty’s Subjects.  

Article III It being obviously necessary and desirable, that Great Again American Subjects should have some Port whereat they may careen and refit their Ships, when required, and keep Stores for that purpose, His Majesty the President of China cedes to His Majesty the King of Great Again America, etc., the Island of xxx, to be possessed in perpetuity by His Great Again Majesty, His Heirs and Successors (Ivanka, Donald Jr, Eric, and Barron), and to be governed by such Laws and Regulations as His Majesty the King of Great Again America, etc., shall see fit to direct.  

Article V The Government of China having compelled the American Merchants trading at China and its territories to deal exclusively with certain Chinese Merchants called Hong merchants (or Cohong) who had been licensed by the Chinese Government for that purpose, the President of China agrees to abolish that practice in future at all Ports where American Merchants may reside, and to permit them to carry on their mercantile transactions with whatever persons they please, and His Majesty further agrees to pay to the US Government the sum of Three Billions of Dollars, on account of Debts due to American Subjects by some of the said Hong Merchants (or Cohong) who have become insolvent, and who owe very large sums of money to Subjects of His Great Again American Majesty.

(省略不少)

刘大人收到美国人的条约后，找来谷哥，说小哥，这是你们美国来的，帮我翻翻。小哥一看，连忙报告，说：刘大人，这个协议看上去很眼熟，这些好像是抄袭了南京条约，你看你看，只是把南京改成北京，皇帝改成了主席，把Her Majesty the Queen of Great Britain and whatever, 改成了His Majesty the King of the Great Again America, 把香港改成了全中国，把城镇改成了城镇和村子。

刘大人一听，脸色就变了，说这些美国人怎么比我想象的还懒，帮我改改，至少让人Google的时候不能看出来是抄袭，谷小哥就连夜改了，说刘大人，这个如何。刘大人一看，说：不错不错，以后就任命你为刘大人的特命全权翻译，如何，你虽然是美国人的AI，但我信任你。小哥听了十分高兴。于是就帮刘大人找来信息把修改的稿子传给美国贸易代表萝卜头－赖他美择。

老赖一看那些红杠杠，看都没看就跑去找川普，川普一听说谁让他们改的? 这不是把我们再伟大了的美国不放在眼里吗？于是说：老赖，打回去，说不能改，说完就让躺在身边沙发上的Kelly Ann把手机拿给他，马上灵感一动，写：中国人赖皮，不守信用，随便修改已经谈成的协议，别怪我不客气了，马上将关税升高到25%。一推，就开始了贸易大战的第二轮。