在大公司呆久了，我也知道多数情况下， internal job posting 通常是聋子的耳朵--摆设， 但这么明显的重复职位而不跟现任位子的人打招呼的情况， 我还是第一次听说。

前一阵我觉得工作太郁闷，想换。 但又留恋这里的待遇和方便， 一直犹豫不决。 本来觉得随着这次自上而下的大换血， 很多工作上的瓶颈可以因此而疏通， 我也可以做些更主动有效率的事情， 在方便照顾家庭的前提下， 继续在这位子作个一两年不失为两全的办法。 但这个新职位的设立， 等于把那些比较有意思的工作内容放到新人身上， 我的铺垫工作就是为人做嫁了。

并没有take it personally, 但如果我的预见是事实， 那么很明显我将成为这次re-org的牺牲品， 没人愿意当牺牲品， 多少感觉不爽的。 以前我每次遇到不爽的情形都是选择（内部）走人的， 但后来发现， 经常自己离开后， 那个部门就出现了转机， 那些忍者神龟通常都有出头之日。 而我每换一次， 都要走一段迂回的路， 加起来这样的zig zag 也是代价的说。 不过实在呆不下去， 也不能勉强自己。

晚上， 看着孩子熟睡的脸， I can't help but wonder: how did I end up in this situation?

Could I have done a better job trying to impress him in the last 2 months? Definitely. But would that make a difference in his decision? Probably not.

Why didn't I try harder to impress him? First off, I didn't care enough. It's politically incorrect to stay it, but there is a lot of truth in a new mother's lack of ambition in going above and beyond. 1 minute I was still holding a baby in my arms, feeding and cooing with her, her sweet little face was my whole universe; next minute I had to jump on a conference call trying to sound all smart and razor sharp, I just couldn't make that mental switch very easily, so to some degree I lost my usual quickness.

Secondly, maybe more importantly, the whole management culture is shifting, what mattered in the past 5, even 10 years, may not matter anymore; what used to be considered valuable and could earn a pat on the back, may now become a thing of the past and is received with cold indifference. Yet the management didn't communicate the new vision down the hierarchy, instead they kept telling us to run things as usual until told otherwise. I knew something was cooking, but I wasn't in the inner circle (the cool kids' club) to know exactly what or how, nor did I care enough to read between lines or to go out of my ways to find out. I wasn't actively seeking a promotion within the organization, so I was kind of laid back and passively waiting for the new strategy to be unveiled: big mistake (on my part). Huge.
 
I  have to set my priorities right, it's impossible to have it both ways. Yes, some women may be able to have it all, maybe they're made with something different and we can't change who we are. And there is certain amount luck involved.

I've been asking myself some hard questions but still can't find answers: Am I tired and pissed off? Of course. But I need a job, let's not pretend that I can live with half of the household income and still be happy. So quitting is not an option. How about taking a step back and "fly under the radar"? Only if I still learn valuable skills and have a reasonably rewarding experience, otherwise it's increasingly painful to leave my kids in the morning and to work only for paycheck. So I'm still debating....