夫妻篇

夫妻，是家庭伦理关系里最微妙复杂的关系。两个人朝夕相处，繁衍后代，同甘共苦，相濡以沫，白头偕老。而这个过程又充斥着拌嘴，吵架，摩擦，计较，冷战。夫妻生活，就像一出没完没了的情景喜剧连续剧。
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每个男人都需要一个老婆，因为不能事事都赖在政府身上啊。
Every man needs a wife because too many things go wrong that can’t be blamed on the government.

有些夫妻每年吵架52回。每回持续一周。
We have more than 52 arguments a year and each one lasts at least a week.

做丈夫的麻烦在于，你从一大早就得完美无缺。老婆总是指望丈夫是家庭事务的全能冠军。
The trouble with being a husband is that you have to be perfect so early in the morning.

而做丈夫的，在老婆的长期淫威下，其实就成了一名褪尽锐气的情人
A husband is what is left of a lover after the nerve has been extracted.

到了最后，他成了一个可怜的家伙，连想要自杀，都必需先问问老婆同不同意。
The poor guy can’t even commit suicide without asking his wife’s permission.

久而久之，浓情转淡。在餐馆里，若是见到一名丈夫在亲吻老婆，你以为人家有多浪漫，殊不知是因为那位仁兄餐巾纸刚好用完了。
He only kisses his wife when he has run out of napkin

男人慢慢发觉老婆和女朋友的区别在于：一个是例行公事的默许，一个是满腔热情的配合。
The difference between a wife and a girl friend is the difference between routine acquiescence and enthusiastic cooperation.

都说要抓住男人的心，首先要抓住他的胃。可偏偏有的老婆还是不好好学学厨艺。那天，我老婆为我们准备了野餐的食品。真难为了那些蚂蚁！
My wife made us a picnic lunch the other day. I felt sorry for the ants.

老婆会做饭而不愿意做，真不像话。更不像话的是，老婆不会做饭而还非要做。
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s the wife who can’t cook and will.

老婆和老公的好朋友私奔了。老公怀念的居然是那哥们！
My wife ran away with my best friend. I surely miss him.

不谙风情的老公早就忘了老婆的生日，可却记得她的年龄， 真是大煞风景。
He forgets his wife’s birthday, but remembers her age.

男人这种奇怪的动物，去钓鱼时，可以等三个钟头让鱼上钩，去参加派对时，却不能等十五分钟让老婆穿衣打扮。
Men are creatures who can wait three hours for a fish to bite but can’t wait fifteen minutes for their wives to dress.

老公出门在外，给老婆寄明信片前一定要仔细检查单词拼写是否有错，以免酿成大祸。有位丈夫写着：“我过得很开心。要是你在这就好了。”（I am having a good time! Wish you were here.”, 可一个不小心，here 少了最后那个e, 成了“wish you were her” ( “要是你是她就好了。”) 回家后怎么解释那个“她“？

对女人来说，丈夫，就是和你共患难的那个人。可是你要是不嫁给他，本来就没有那些患难。
A husband is a man who will stick by you in all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.

好老婆自己理亏时总会原谅老公的。
A good wife always forgives her husband when she is wrong.

聪明的老婆从不给老公有时间三思，省得节外生枝。
A wise wife never gives her husband time to have second thoughts.

成功的男人挣的钱老婆花不完。成功的女人就是找个这样的男人。
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

男人会花两块钱去买价值一块钱的东西，只要他用得着。女人会花一块钱去买价值两块钱的东西，即使她用不着。是谁更勤俭持家呢？
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn’t want.

女人嫁给男人，指望他还会变，他偏偏不变。（抽烟喝酒等恶习不仅不变，还变本加厉起来）。男人娶女人，指望她不会变，她偏偏就变（腰围变成水桶，脸上黑斑增多）。
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

女人嫁了老公才前程无忧。男人娶了老婆才担忧前程。
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

夫妻，就是这么风风雨雨磕磕碰碰几十年走过来。

到头来，我发现我老婆和我有一个共同点：那就是我们还都爱着同一个男人。
（如此自恋！）
My wife and I have one thing in common: We love the same man.
有的夫妻走不到尽头，或二奶篡位，或红杏出墙。即使如此，分手也要分的潇洒一点。怎样才算潇洒？

潇洒：我回家发现我老婆和别的男人在床上。我向他敬礼，说，“对不起，打扰了。”
Savor-faire: I go home and find my wife sleeping with another man and I tip my hat to him and say, “Excuse me.”
更潇洒：我回家发现我老婆和别的男人在床上。我向他敬礼，说，“对不起，打扰了。请继续。”
Savor-faire: I go home and find my wife sleeping with another man and I tip my hat to him and say, “Excuse me. Please continue.”
最潇洒：我回家发现我老婆和别的男人在床上。我向他敬礼，说，“对不起，打扰了。请继续。”他真的继续！
Savor-faire: I go home and find my wife sleeping with another man and I tip my hat to him and say, “Excuse me. Please continue.” And he can continue!