正文
很庆幸读到此书。资料丰富，启人深思。
读到 ‘Thank God my self-consciousness is something nobler than vulgar conceit in having done something. It is what I am, not what I do,...' (George Bernard Shaw's The Apple Cart)
读到 ‘I felt the beawuty of life as it is, each moment as it arises, and the infinite glow of being part of it, rather than needing to be special, different, unique, famous. I now feel the joy and beauty in being part of a giant web of interconnectedness.’
读到 ‘Our most meaningful relationship are based on a longing for expansion rather than a preoccupation with comfort and security. To live exuberantly--to fully know and be fully known by another--we must be prepared to illuminate the dark spots in our most intimate relationship and in our selves. ’
反思自己成长路。父母和环境塑造着我们，期望着‘出类拔萃’才有好生活。我们于是苛责自己，为了每一个缺点和每一次失败而羞愧，与人为善的天性在竞争心态的挤兑下大打折扣。精明的广结善缘着，更多是为了广纳资源而结网。想起儿子他爸一次次对俺说：(中国人) 活得都很累的。。。
Introduction
Page 7: When we are in the grip of survival thinking, the dominant illusion is that once we vanquish the enemy facing us, overcome the obstacle in front of us, get over the next hill, life will be secure, free of problems, perfect. Then we will be fearless. Then we can start the life we've been planning on. But that long-awited day never comes because there is always another enemy, another obstacle, another hill.
To live in feasr is the worst form of insult ot our true selves. By having such a low regard for who we are--for our instincts and abilities and worth--we build a cage around ourselves. To prevent others from shutting us down, we do it for them.
...
The most common response to this crisis of self is conformity: "The individual," Erich Fromm writes in Escape from Freedom, "ceasses to be himself; he adopts entirely the kind of personality offered to him by cultural patterns; and he therefore becomes exactly as all others are and as they expect him to be....This mechanism can be compared with the protective coloring some animals assume."
Page 8: I remember once talking to my eight-year-old daughter before a school performance. She kept saying she had betterflies in her stomach because she was afraid to go on the stage. What if, I asked her, the butterflies were actually there because she was excited to go on the stage? She considered the idea. In fact, it became a little joke between us. "I'm not afraid, Mommy, " she would say. "I'm excited."
Page 9: I have my own key to overcoming fear. I look for the still center in my life and in my self, the place that is not susceptible to life's constant ups and downs. It doesn't mean that I don't lose my head and that I would't rather have success and praise than failure and criticism, but it does mean that I can find my way back to that center, that secure structure of inner support ( I remember she had said before this part that you are not what you have achieved/done/failed, not the way you dress... others including parents may get it wrong as such but you gonna know yourself), so that all my negative emotions, and especially my feawrs, become opportunities to achieve fearlessness. If we can find that greater inner freedom and strength, then we can evolve from a freaful state of living to a state of freedom, trust, and happiness.
Fearless in Love (from page 35)
It's no secret that women's feawrs about love are different from men's. We tend to crave a relationship the way we hunger for food and water. We think we can't live without one--we don't feel safe, we don't feel complete, we don't feel as if we' re doing what we were put on this earth to do. This is our survival instinct kicking in.
Survival behavior can be triggered by the fear of losing anything that we perceive as being part of our identity: the approaval of our parents, our looks, a cherished keepsake, and of course a relationship. ... When we feel chronically incomplete, we figure the best way to solve this, at least temporarily, is through a relationship. And so we'll do anything to make one work or to pretend it's working. This leads to an awful lot of twisted behaviors.
While I was writing my biography of Picasso, I encountered many beautiful, talented women who stayed with the great artist years longer than they should have. In fact, Picasso used to boast that he liked to take goddesses and turn them into doormats.
...
If there was a signature theme to most of the operas Callas was famous for, it was this: love lost, love betrayed, love abandoned. She tasted fame, success, and wealth--but all she truly cared was being loved by Onassis. ... The worldwide public adulation wasn't enough--it was as if only Onassis could validate her. And in her relentless pursuit of validation, Callas allowed herself to be treated like a doormat. Once that spiral got started, the end was obvious. If it hadn't been Jackie, it would have been some else.
As long as the expectation continues that relationships will fill our emptiness and insulate us from anxiety and loneliness, we will keep trying to find in them the feelings of safety and contentment we had or longed for in childhood--and we will keep finding diappointment instead.
In The Female Brain, Louann Brizendine examines research showing that the brain of a woman in the throes of falling in love is in a special state fueled by hormones and neurochemicals, particularly oxytocin and dopamine. And when we hug or kiss or touch, more oxytocin is released, "triggering the brain's trust circuits." These hormones can cloud our judgement and flip an inner switch, turning off the brain circuitry that tells us to take things slowly. Good-bye, independence; hello, infatuation. (Ooooh, it's tmd so true!)
...fear helps as an alarm at the right time before it's too late helpfully...
The deepest of these (rewards of emonthional fearlessness) is the gift of a profound intimacy, captured by Tom Stoppard in his play The Real Thing: "It's to do with knowing and being known. I remeber how it stopped seeming odd that in biblical Greek knowing was used for making love. Whosit knew so-and-so. Carnal knowledge. It's what lovers trust eawch other with, knowledge of each other, not of the flesh but through the flesh, knowledge of self, the real him, the real her, in extremis, the mask slipped from the face. Every other version of oneself is on offer to the public. ..."
读到 ‘Thank God my self-consciousness is something nobler than vulgar conceit in having done something. It is what I am, not what I do,...' (George Bernard Shaw's The Apple Cart)
读到 ‘I felt the beawuty of life as it is, each moment as it arises, and the infinite glow of being part of it, rather than needing to be special, different, unique, famous. I now feel the joy and beauty in being part of a giant web of interconnectedness.’
读到 ‘Our most meaningful relationship are based on a longing for expansion rather than a preoccupation with comfort and security. To live exuberantly--to fully know and be fully known by another--we must be prepared to illuminate the dark spots in our most intimate relationship and in our selves. ’
反思自己成长路。父母和环境塑造着我们，期望着‘出类拔萃’才有好生活。我们于是苛责自己，为了每一个缺点和每一次失败而羞愧，与人为善的天性在竞争心态的挤兑下大打折扣。精明的广结善缘着，更多是为了广纳资源而结网。想起儿子他爸一次次对俺说：(中国人) 活得都很累的。。。
Introduction
Page 7: When we are in the grip of survival thinking, the dominant illusion is that once we vanquish the enemy facing us, overcome the obstacle in front of us, get over the next hill, life will be secure, free of problems, perfect. Then we will be fearless. Then we can start the life we've been planning on. But that long-awited day never comes because there is always another enemy, another obstacle, another hill.
To live in feasr is the worst form of insult ot our true selves. By having such a low regard for who we are--for our instincts and abilities and worth--we build a cage around ourselves. To prevent others from shutting us down, we do it for them.
...
The most common response to this crisis of self is conformity: "The individual," Erich Fromm writes in Escape from Freedom, "ceasses to be himself; he adopts entirely the kind of personality offered to him by cultural patterns; and he therefore becomes exactly as all others are and as they expect him to be....This mechanism can be compared with the protective coloring some animals assume."
Page 8: I remember once talking to my eight-year-old daughter before a school performance. She kept saying she had betterflies in her stomach because she was afraid to go on the stage. What if, I asked her, the butterflies were actually there because she was excited to go on the stage? She considered the idea. In fact, it became a little joke between us. "I'm not afraid, Mommy, " she would say. "I'm excited."
Page 9: I have my own key to overcoming fear. I look for the still center in my life and in my self, the place that is not susceptible to life's constant ups and downs. It doesn't mean that I don't lose my head and that I would't rather have success and praise than failure and criticism, but it does mean that I can find my way back to that center, that secure structure of inner support ( I remember she had said before this part that you are not what you have achieved/done/failed, not the way you dress... others including parents may get it wrong as such but you gonna know yourself), so that all my negative emotions, and especially my feawrs, become opportunities to achieve fearlessness. If we can find that greater inner freedom and strength, then we can evolve from a freaful state of living to a state of freedom, trust, and happiness.
Fearless in Love (from page 35)
It's no secret that women's feawrs about love are different from men's. We tend to crave a relationship the way we hunger for food and water. We think we can't live without one--we don't feel safe, we don't feel complete, we don't feel as if we' re doing what we were put on this earth to do. This is our survival instinct kicking in.
Survival behavior can be triggered by the fear of losing anything that we perceive as being part of our identity: the approaval of our parents, our looks, a cherished keepsake, and of course a relationship. ... When we feel chronically incomplete, we figure the best way to solve this, at least temporarily, is through a relationship. And so we'll do anything to make one work or to pretend it's working. This leads to an awful lot of twisted behaviors.
While I was writing my biography of Picasso, I encountered many beautiful, talented women who stayed with the great artist years longer than they should have. In fact, Picasso used to boast that he liked to take goddesses and turn them into doormats.
...
If there was a signature theme to most of the operas Callas was famous for, it was this: love lost, love betrayed, love abandoned. She tasted fame, success, and wealth--but all she truly cared was being loved by Onassis. ... The worldwide public adulation wasn't enough--it was as if only Onassis could validate her. And in her relentless pursuit of validation, Callas allowed herself to be treated like a doormat. Once that spiral got started, the end was obvious. If it hadn't been Jackie, it would have been some else.
As long as the expectation continues that relationships will fill our emptiness and insulate us from anxiety and loneliness, we will keep trying to find in them the feelings of safety and contentment we had or longed for in childhood--and we will keep finding diappointment instead.
In The Female Brain, Louann Brizendine examines research showing that the brain of a woman in the throes of falling in love is in a special state fueled by hormones and neurochemicals, particularly oxytocin and dopamine. And when we hug or kiss or touch, more oxytocin is released, "triggering the brain's trust circuits." These hormones can cloud our judgement and flip an inner switch, turning off the brain circuitry that tells us to take things slowly. Good-bye, independence; hello, infatuation. (Ooooh, it's tmd so true!)
...fear helps as an alarm at the right time before it's too late helpfully...
The deepest of these (rewards of emonthional fearlessness) is the gift of a profound intimacy, captured by Tom Stoppard in his play The Real Thing: "It's to do with knowing and being known. I remeber how it stopped seeming odd that in biblical Greek knowing was used for making love. Whosit knew so-and-so. Carnal knowledge. It's what lovers trust eawch other with, knowledge of each other, not of the flesh but through the flesh, knowledge of self, the real him, the real her, in extremis, the mask slipped from the face. Every other version of oneself is on offer to the public. ..."
真正的回报:profound intimacy