从Hawaii回来有一周多，一直想写，但很多事情忙，又有些懒。Hawaii trip is incredible, one of the best trips I have ever made. 很难用语言来形容这次旅行究竟有多好，对我来说，有很重要的意义。如果说上一次澳洲之行是the trip of redemption, which helped me getting back on rail from the bottom of life. 这一次的旅行是升华之旅，关于生活，关于我自己的态度，很多事情我都有了新的想法，豁然开朗的感觉。很多时候，生活好像一团迷雾，远处似乎有光亮，但并不清晰，隐隐约约，看不清脚下的路，所以很多犹豫。现在，仍然有不确定的东西，但感觉踏实很多，少了很多对未知的恐惧。

Surfing is not just a sport, it's a life style. You keep pushing yourself, and challenge your limit. We have fears, and we respect the power of ocean, but 'I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen'. 我非常喜欢这句话，Laird Hamilton, big wave surfer, 他在tahiti冲向一个巨浪，perfectly pics&video taken. I can't stop watching the video over and over again, everytime I am astonished at the power of waves and ocean, those huge waves suck so much water in, then smash back like furious monsters, how much courage is required to go against that! This guy survived, but everyone including pro surfers who looks at the pic&video says, man, you are risking your life! So he said that, 'I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen', so he became a legend. I do admire the courage those big wave surfers have, they are not crazy nuts, they are challengers against their own fears.

I was totally weak on my first day lesson, the power of waves, unpredictable ocean and currents all scared me. To be honest, I am lousy swimmer, with strong fear of getting drowned. My instructor Edison, very experienced surfer and lifeguard, he could tell I was so scared, so he asked me whether I wanna quit. It's like 7am morning, water was cold, and I was kinda shaking, not sure cos of fear or simply coldness... But I said no, I gonna do this. Trust me, it's miserable, I had no problem at all to stand up on my board and keep balance, but everytime strong white water would wipe me off my board, then I had to struggle back before the next wave hitting on me... It's a lot work to get back on board and paddle as fast as I could to get back to channel for safety, not even mention that sometimes strong waves would upset my board which was long and heavy, I could hardly turn it back... I had never been so exhausted, physically, after 3 hours lesson, my arms totally numb, all rashes on my legs by scratching against the board... But I was actually happy, at least I was alive, lol.

One week later, again at Chun's Reef, I was still struggling with paddling, apparently I need a lot more training for my arms which couldn't be done in only 1 week. But, my fear against ocean was disappearing, I would paddle hard, then get up on my board, stay firm to the end even through white water... And the most important, I was finally able to turn my board back in case of it getting upset, no need any help from Edison. Well, still long way to go to become a decent surfer, but as Edison said, 'Jess, you got much stronger in one week, I saw how much panic you were in the first day, now you start getting used to ocean and waves, and start enjoying surfing...' I really love this feeling, when you realize that your fear is gone, you start feeling that nothing/nobody could stop you from things you wanna do, it's awesome!

In this one week, I met lots of interesting people, enjoyed great time in this small peaceful town Haleiwa. Physically, I was exhausted, it's quite harsh schedule, 3 hours surfing lesson everyday morning, afternoon I usually went to yoga class or stand up paddling along the river to harbor. But mentally or emotionally, I felt incredibly peaceful, nothing/nobody bothered me at all, I was just simply happy, everyday. How wonderful that is! I wish I could have come to this surfing camp early, and definitely I will keep going, at lease once a year, or maybe twice a year...

Well, lots of stories to tell... Now I am back in Tokyo, still have dreams of those beautiful waves and clear ocean in some nights. And I keep training myself to get stronger arms and to become a better swimmer, so next time when I go back, I would be able to surprise Edison, lol. I finally feel that I am ready to move on, all the past with Kevin, it's time to let it go. I am not afraid to be totally alone, I mean that kinda emptiness there is nobody in my mind or heart, somehow I manage to keep the peace in my mind without any help from others. Life is good, and I am well blessed.