jgey的单身日记
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周日计划改变，我最终还是和Dave一起，天气好得不得了，我们一起去上野公园散步。看到公园的人工湖里有人在划船，我说，我记不得最后一次划船是什么时候了，Dave说，那我们去划船吧。于是，我成年以来的第一次划船，和Dave，在阳光明媚的午后，我一直觉得划船是比较cheesy的约会项目，很意外的感觉很好。我们把船靠在一片树荫下，Dave躺在船的一边，我慢慢爬到他身上，看着他的眼睛，吻他；他看着我的眼睛，说，“Jess, I need to tell you something...”我知道这一刻早晚会来，只是没想到会是在这样的情况下，Dave说他和他前妻谈过了，他们决定尝试重新弥补他们的关系。我听见自己心里轻轻的一声“咔”，好像什么东西裂开一样，但脸上仍然保持住迷人的笑容，对他说，“good luck”，阳光突然变得有些刺眼。我大概可以挂牌占卜了，前一天的预感即时转变成现实，应该庆幸，早报现早托生。
晚上我们分开的时候，我突然哭了出来。I didnt cry when Mario vanishing in my life, I didnt cry when I was in a tough situation that I had to quit the job, I didnt cry when I feel frustrated during job hunting...and now, I was crying. Actually it wasnt all about Dave, I guess I have built up a lot of pressure and depression inside when I going through all those dramas recently, finally the emotional crash came out. Dave was holding me, he said he felt bad, but thats not what I wanted, its not his fault at all. I just felt kinda frustrated and depressed, so couldnt hold the tears back, its not like he broke my heart, not at all. Today when I thinking of the matter again, I feel so embarrassed, and I shouldnt have taken my emotional crash out on Dave, now he would think that I am so emotionally attached to him, no, that is not right, damn.
This few days, I have thought a lot about life, but more I think more I get confused. I dont have any goal in life now, there is nothing that I really enjoy and wanna do, everything is quite much meaningless for me. I dont know how this happened to me, I am trying to figure out how I got to this stage from the beginning, but there is no answer. Why I cant have a job and feel happy like everybody else? Why I cant just commit to a guy, get married, have family and feel happy like everybody else? Whats wrong with me??? I used to be a normal kid, never got into any trouble, enjoyed school life, got good scores in every subject, I was doing very well on the normal routine...Then all of a sudden, I am out! I cant fit in the normal routine any more, and I cant find out a new routine for myself either, I am lost.
Later night I got on MSN, wanted to have some talk with dad, he always knows something I dont know about life. Offline messages popped out, by mom, they gonna take a bicycle trip to another city for a few days, lol, it seems they are having good time, I better not bother them with my shit. Everybody is happy, except me. Gosh, this is really hurtful, when I cant help feeling miserable... But, I dont wanna compromise yet, even though its tough, I know I need to keep going with all hopes, everything will be fine, I will be fine.
晚上我们分开的时候，我突然哭了出来。I didnt cry when Mario vanishing in my life, I didnt cry when I was in a tough situation that I had to quit the job, I didnt cry when I feel frustrated during job hunting...and now, I was crying. Actually it wasnt all about Dave, I guess I have built up a lot of pressure and depression inside when I going through all those dramas recently, finally the emotional crash came out. Dave was holding me, he said he felt bad, but thats not what I wanted, its not his fault at all. I just felt kinda frustrated and depressed, so couldnt hold the tears back, its not like he broke my heart, not at all. Today when I thinking of the matter again, I feel so embarrassed, and I shouldnt have taken my emotional crash out on Dave, now he would think that I am so emotionally attached to him, no, that is not right, damn.
This few days, I have thought a lot about life, but more I think more I get confused. I dont have any goal in life now, there is nothing that I really enjoy and wanna do, everything is quite much meaningless for me. I dont know how this happened to me, I am trying to figure out how I got to this stage from the beginning, but there is no answer. Why I cant have a job and feel happy like everybody else? Why I cant just commit to a guy, get married, have family and feel happy like everybody else? Whats wrong with me??? I used to be a normal kid, never got into any trouble, enjoyed school life, got good scores in every subject, I was doing very well on the normal routine...Then all of a sudden, I am out! I cant fit in the normal routine any more, and I cant find out a new routine for myself either, I am lost.
Later night I got on MSN, wanted to have some talk with dad, he always knows something I dont know about life. Offline messages popped out, by mom, they gonna take a bicycle trip to another city for a few days, lol, it seems they are having good time, I better not bother them with my shit. Everybody is happy, except me. Gosh, this is really hurtful, when I cant help feeling miserable... But, I dont wanna compromise yet, even though its tough, I know I need to keep going with all hopes, everything will be fine, I will be fine.
G.C.同学，最近这里是GOLDENWEEK，所有公司都休假，我着急也没办法，只好顺便“搞点儿副业”，哈，韦小宝常说的“小赌宜情”。
再坚持一下，估计很快就会有结果了。
我从前不顺时也曾有同感， 可现在觉得真的是“家家有一本难念的经”。 每个人都努力的掩饰自己的烦恼，显示给世界的都是闪亮的一面。可美国每年那么多人都服用反忧郁症的药， 不到每个人的家里的medicine cabinet里去翻一翻根本看不出平时那些“成功”“快乐”的人士原来并不怎么令人羡慕。
你现在工作还未定，我建议还是在感情方面少活动一点。你现在头等大事是找工作，情人晚个几天没关系， 顶多你家laundry的老爷爷少赚点钱； 饭碗如果晚了问题就大了， 你现在刚刚辞职不久还没有太大的压力，觉得时间还多， 可是找工作momentum非常重要， 与前一个工作的间隔的时间越长越麻烦，雇主的顾虑就会越多，就像滚雪球一样, baggage 越滚越多。我劝你还是趁热打铁， 分清priority， 把工作的事早日定下来， 再说了，没人喜欢一个迷恋Jimmy Choo 却又不能挣钱的女友:)
一人在外不容易，我记得我走前我妈丢给我的一句话就是“富贵不癫狂， 贫困不潦倒。”通俗的一点讲就是再开心的日子不会天天， 而再困难的日子也不会长久，坚持一下就会挺过去了。而事实也的确证明了如此。妈妈的话同勉吧。
一向喜欢你的博克是应为喜欢你坚强独立的性格，和国内许多娇女孩不同。 记得你曾经写过一句话，“一个人也要开开心心的活着。”这话给我这个男儿一个人在外面闯荡时都有所鼓励。希望你能早日恢复状态，从低谷里走出来。
操，又写成国内的周记的口吻了。。。保重
come on, its not that bad, David didnt break my heart or hurt my feelings, its just bad timing, I feel frustrated, but I fully understand, so move on, very simple.
and he is still my friend, we still hanging out for coffee or talk, its cool.
见下面的一月前的评论,我真有预见性:
songwaimai 评论于：2007-04-05 13:12:11 [回复评论]
我没把意思说清楚,我的意思是你该主动些,你自己该决定进或退.
jgey 评论于：2007-04-04 17:10:30 [回复评论]
那我得赶快准备件防弹衣什么的。。。哈！
dont worry, I am not that fragile, 最多是有些遗憾，怅然，不会太严重的。I enjoy all this drama, the result doesnt matter much really.
songwaimai 评论于：2007-04-04 13:12:11 [回复评论]
看起来你独立和有主见,但和DAVE的关系上你却是被动的.你会被带到某个地方,受不受伤你根本决定不了.
well, self-pitying? i would rather consider it emotional hole, up-down happens sometimes, you know, i am not fully stable in any sense :)
I appreciate your concerns.
If you want the best, you need to be the best. What do you have to offer to a good company or to a relationship? From what I see, all you have is the youth and maybe some cleverness. But it is really nothing in the long run. You are wasting your youthful time away getting involved with unworthy guys. Your English is good, but you are looking for technical jobs, isn't it? What do you have to offer to a good company?
I like it that you never wanted to sell yourself for money or easy life. But, you need to stop your self-pitying and do something. Of course,if you think you still got time,and you are prettier, smarter or luckier than other people,so you don't need to work hard, then forget what I said.