3/10/12

I am collaborating with ____ at ______ on a grant proposal. This is our third time working together. Sometimes I can’t help comparing myself to her. She works at a big research university, and I am working at a small teaching university; she is a few years younger than me and already a full professor, and I am still an associate professor to this day; she already made her name within her field, and I am a nameless and invisible person outside my building.

I am often wondering what sets us apart. Is she smarter? Maybe, but probably just a little bit. Does she work harder? Certainly she is now. But I used to work my butt off. There are probably many things that contribute to my “failure”, but some of them might have been avoided on my part.

I was so near-sighted when I was young. I never set my long-term goals and never looked far and beyond. I cared too much about small things – the things that were happening right before my eyes, such as upcoming exams and papers that are due. I never took initiatives to find my strength and plan my career path. I was always going with flow and doing what I was told and expected. Now I realize many of my missteps in my career, but it is too little, too late.

Now I am seeing my old self in my students. Whenever I have chance, I try to share with them my experience and my regrets. But I rarely got my messages across. I guess that it is difficult to learn from other people’s experience, and one has to live through his or her own. But we only have one life to live, and how sad it is!