The Event (2.4)

Annie Ernaux

Translated by xia23

The months followed were soaked in light of limbo. I see myself walking continuously on streets. Every time I thought of such a period, it came to me like literary expressions “The crossing of appearances”, “Beyond good and evil”, or still “The voyage to end of the night”. This always seemed to reflect what I had lived and felt, something inexpressible, yet beautiful.

For many years, I have hung around this event of my life. Reading the abortion story in a novel I am deep in shock without images or thoughts as if the words instantly metamorphosed into violent sensation. The same way, listening to La Javanaise [11], J’ai la mémoire qui flanche [12] by chance, introducing only some song which accompanied me during this period, touches me deeply.

A week ago I started to write this story, without any certainty to continue. I only wanted to verify my desire of writing here. One desire which I lived through continuously, each time I was writing the book I had worked on for two years. I endured powerlessly to stop thinking of that. I gave in, I thought I was frightened. But I also talked to myself that I might die without having done this event. If there was a mistake it would be this one. One night, I had a dream that in my hands I held a book I had written on my abortion, but people could not find it anywhere in a book store and it was not listed in any catalog. At the bottom of the book cover, the words OUT OF PRINT were in capitals. I did not know if the dream meant that I had to write such book or if it was worthless to write.