1 或迟或早/sooner or later

A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.

Judge: Have you ever stolen things?

Thief: Oh, now and then.

Judge: And where have you stolen these things?

Thief: Oh, here and there.

Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer.

Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?

Judge: Oh, sooner or later.

一个偷盗惯犯被带到了法官面前。

法官：你偷过东西吗?

小偷：噢，时不时的。

法官：那你是从哪里偷的呢?

小偷：噢，或这或那。

法官：很好。把他关起来，警官。

小偷：嘿，我什么时候能出来?

法官：噢，或迟或早。

2 抄袭/Plagiarism

A friend of mine who teaches European history at Washington University in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office.

"This isn't your work." he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia. "

"You can’t prove that!" the student sputtered.

My friend smiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also see article on communism."

我有个朋友在圣路易斯的华盛顿大学教欧洲历史，他说有一次他发现了一篇抄袭的学期论文。他把那个学生叫到了办公室。

“这不是你写的，”他说，“有人帮你从百科全书上原封不动地打印了下来。”

“你没有证据。”那学生结结巴巴地说。

我朋友笑了，他把论文拿给他看。用红笔圈出来的是：“也可参阅共产主义一文。”

3 超速行驶/Speeding

A speeding motorist was waved down by a police patrol car. “I'm going to give you a ticket for speeding,” said the policeman, writing his note. “You've been driving over 60 miles per hour.”

“Would you mind making it 100, officer?” was the reply. “You see, I'm going to sell the car.”

一名超速行驶的驾驶员被巡逻警车拦住后，警察一边做记录，一边说：“我要给你开一张超速罚单，因为你刚才的车速已经超过了60英里。”

“警官，请你把时速写为100英里好吗?你知道，我正要打算卖这辆车。”

4 精神病测试

John was going to leave the psychiatric hospital at last. His treatment had been long and painful. He had been getting injections together with electric shocks，and had bravely endured many cold showers. Now all this was going to come to an end if he passed the final test.

A: Sit down，please，John.

B: But I am rather nervous for I have no idea what the test is going to be.

A: Now，my dear fellow，suppose I'll just tell you what happened in one of the streets of London last Sunday and you will tell me what's wrong with my story I’ll have told you.

B: OK.

A: A motorcyclist crashed into a bus, was knocked off his seat and lay unconscious in the roadway. A tram that happened to be passing cut his head off. A member of the Salvation Army who feel sorry for the fellow picked up his head and the body too, took them to a chemist's，bought some adhesive plaster, stuck the head in its place, put the plaster round the fellow's neck and the two chaps went to a club for a game of billiards.

B: I got you there. That's sheer nonsense!

A:(Happily) How do you know?

B: Chemist's and all other shops are shut on Sundays，aren't they?

约翰终于要离开精神病院了，他的治疗漫长而痛苦。他接受注射的同时还接受电击，并且他勇敢地经受了许多冷水浴，现在所有这一切都要结束了，如果他通过最后的测试的话。

医生：约翰，请坐。

约翰：但是我有些紧张，因为我不知道测试会是怎样的。

医生：现在，我亲爱的伙计，我就要给你讲一件上星期天发生在伦敦一条街道上的事情，然后你要告诉我我讲的故事有什么错!

约翰：好吧。

医生：一个骑摩托车的人撞上了一辆公共汽车，他被撞倒了，昏迷不醒，躺在路上。一辆电车恰好路过把他的头碾了下来。一个救世军的成员可怜那个家伙，就捡起他的头和身躯，拿到一家药店，买了些橡皮膏，把头接上，用橡皮膏在那家伙的脖子上缠了几圈，然后这两个人一起到一家俱乐部玩台球去了。

约翰：我知道是怎么回事了，那纯粹是一派胡言!

医生：(高兴地)你怎么知道?

约翰：药店和其他所有商店星期天都不开门，不是吗?

5 我找到了

The air hostess was in the small kitchen at the back of the airplane preparing the trays for lunch when a little old lady came and spoke to her.

A: Could you please tell me where the ladies' lavatory is in this plane?

B: Yes, madam. It is right at the other end of the airplane at the front.

The little old lady went too far. She walked all the way to the front of the airplane, opened the door in front of her, and the captain of the airplane and the other officers. They all busy at their work and did not see her. She went out again, shut the door and returned to the air hostess.

A: Oh, didn't you find it, madam?

B: Yeah, I did. But there are four men in the ladies' lavatory watching television.

空姐正在飞机后部的小厨房内准备午餐的托盘，一位小个子老太太走过来对她说。

老太太：请问你能告诉我飞机上的女卫生间在什么地方吗?

空姐:哦，夫人，就在飞机的那一头在前边。

小个子老太太走过了头，她一直朝飞机的前部走去了。拉开面前的门，看见机长和其他机务人员。他们都忙于自己的工作，没有看见她。她又走了出来，关上门，回到空姐那里。

空姐：噢，你没有找到卫生间，夫人?

老太太：我找到了，但是卫生间那儿有四个男人在看电视。

6 吉姆·索普

The railroad station was jammed. Students from Lafayette College were crowding onto the train platform eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Carlisle Indian Schools track and field squad. No one would have believed it a few months earlier. A school that nobody had heard of was suddenly beating big, famous colleges in track meets. Surely these Carlisle athletes would come charging off the train, one after another, like a Marine battalion. The train finally arrived and two young men one big and broad the other small and slight stepped onto the platform.

A: Where is the track team？

B: This is the team。

A: Just the two of you?

B: Nope，just me，this little guy is the manager.

The Lafayette students shook their heads in wonder. Somebody must be playing a joke on them. If this big fellow was the whole Carlisle track team，he would be competing against an entire Lafayette squad. He did. He ran sprints，he ran hurdles， he ran distant races. He high-jumped，he broad-jumped. He threw the javelin and the shot. Finishing first in eight events，the big fellow beat the whole Lafayette team. The big fellow was Jim Thorpe，the greatest American athlete of modern times.

火车站挤得水泄不通。拉斐德学院的学生们一齐拥上站台，热切地等待着卡莱尔印第安人学校田径队的到来。倘若在几个月前，准没有人相信，一个谁也没听说过的学校，会在田径场上突然大败许多有名的大学。不用说，这些卡莱尔的运动员抵达后，准会像一营海军陆战队队员那样，一个接一个冲下火车。火车终于到了，两个年轻人—一位，个儿高，体态魁梧;另一位，个儿矮，长相瘦弱—踏上了站台。

A: 田径队在哪儿?

B: 就在这儿。

A: 就你们两个?

B: 不，就我一个，这位小兄弟是领队。

拉斐德的学生们诧异地摇摇头。一定有人在和他们开玩笑。如果卡莱尔田径队就只有大个子一人，那他就得和整个拉斐德田径队比试高低了。确实如此。他短跑、跨栏、长跑、跳高、跳远。他又投标枪又掷铅球。大个子赢得八项第一，一个人击败了整个拉斐德田径队。这位大个子就是美国现代最伟大的运动员吉姆·索普。

注：吉姆·索普（1888年5月28日－1953年3月28日）是一名不可思议的全能运动员，他获得过奥运会五项全能和十项全能冠军，他还参加过美式足球、棒球大联盟以及篮球比赛。在卡莱尔，索普已经是一位田径明星，经常代表学校参加校际比赛的所有项目。