1 恭维的话/Compliment

"Larry! Come here!" said his furious mother, putting the telephone down, " I've just had a call from Mrs. Harrison about your behavior to her Doris at the school dance last night. You wretched, rude boy!"   

"I was nice to her, Mum, really I was!" protested the youth.  

"I even paid her a compliment when we had a dance."  

"Did you, indeed?" said his mother grimly, "And what exactly did you say?"  

"I said, Gosh, Doris, you sweat less than any fat girl I've ever danced with!"  

“拉里，你过来!”妈妈放下电话后生气地说，“我刚才接到哈里森夫人的电话，她告诉我你在昨晚的学校舞会上对多丽丝行为不好，你可耻，粗鲁!”  

“妈妈，我对她很好，真的!”小伙子不服气地说。“当我和她跳舞时我还说了一句恭维她的话。”  

“你真的这么做的吗?”妈妈严厉地问。“你的原话是怎么说的?”  

“我说，啊呀，多丽丝，你比跟我跳过舞的任何胖姑娘出汗都少!”

2 我什么也没做/I didn't do it

One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas.

When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a magazine.

She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone.

He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today."

"Yes," was his reply.

She answered, "Well, today, I didn't do it!"

一天，一个男人下班回到家，发现屋子外面一片狼籍。孩子们还穿着睡衣，躺在外面的泥地里。

打开房门，他发现屋子里面更乱。橱柜上堆着盘子，地上散落着狗食，桌子下面有一只打碎的玻璃杯，后门旁还有一堆沙子。家庭娱乐室里散落着玩具，还有一盏灯翻倒在地上。

他迈过散落在楼梯上的玩具，上楼去找他的妻子。他开始担心她生病了或是发生了什么可怕的事情。

他发现她还穿着睡衣躺在床上，在看一本杂志。

她抬头看到他，笑着问他今天过得怎么样。

他看着她，困惑地问：“今天发生什么事情了？”

她笑着问道：“你每天下班回家都会问我今天做什么了。”

“没错啊，”他说。

她说：“是这样的，今天，我没做什么！”

3 返老还童药片/Rejuvenation pill

The old age had crept in on Mrs. Daly. Aches and pains bothered her day and night. One day, she received a package with some pills and a letter from her son. The letter said, "Dear Mom, I am sending you some wonder drug called rejuvenation pills. It will make you well and years younger."

A few months later, Jimmy came home. Sitting on the porch was a beautiful young lady rocking a cradle with a baby in it sucking the bottle.

"Where is my mother?" Jimmy asked.

"Don't be silly. I am your mother. Those pills were marvelous."

"Imagine, with one pill, you're as beautiful as anyone can be. Once more, you could have a baby, My, they are powerful."

"That's not a baby. That's your father, He took two."

黛丽女士渐渐变老了，身上的疼痛日日夜夜折磨着她。有一天，黛丽收到儿子寄来的一个包裹，里面放着一些药片和一封信，儿子在信中说：“亲爱的妈妈，我给你寄来了一些神奇的药片，返老还童片，吃了后你会变得健康年轻。”

几个月后，吉米回到家，一位年轻美丽的女士坐在门廊上摇着摇篮，摇篮里有个婴儿吸着奶瓶。

“我的妈妈呢？”吉米问。

“别犯傻了，我就是你妈妈，那些药片太神了。”

“真是不可思议，那个药吃了一片就可以美梦成真，再吃一片就可以生个孩子，哇塞，药片可真厉害。”

“那可不是孩子，那是你爸爸，他吃了两片。”

4 在养老院/In a Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. But after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright, this goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies, "Except they won't let me fart."

一个夜晚，一家人把年迈体虚的老母亲送到了敬老院，希望她在那里能得到悉心的照顾。

第二天，护士们给她洗澡，喂她吃不错的早餐，把她安顿在窗旁的椅子上欣赏可爱的花园。她看上去一切都好，但是过了一会儿，老太太在椅子上开始靠向另一边。

两个细心的护士立即跑上前扶起她来。但是过了一会儿老太太开始向另一边侧弯身子。

两个护士再一次跑过去把她扶正。就这样反反复复了一上午。后来家人来看望老太太，看她是不是适应这个新家。“妈，在这里过得怎么样？她们对你好吗？”家人问。“很好，”老太太回答，“就是不准我放屁。”

5 回心转意/A change of mind

Dear Susan:

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated.

Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never meet another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so much.

Yours always and truly.  

P.S: Congratulations on winning the state lottery.

亲爱的苏姗：

我的小甜心。自从我解除与你的婚约后，我一直倍感孤独凄凉，简直心力交瘁。

请你考虑回到我的身边好吗？你在我心目中的地位是任何女人都无法代替的。我再也不会遇到像你这样的女人了。我是多么需要你呀。你能原谅我，让我们重新开始吗？我是多么爱你啊。

始终属于你，忠实于你的。

附注：恭喜你中了州彩票。

6 午饭是他自个做的/He made his own lunch

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on the 30th floor of a building.

The Irishman opened his lunch box and said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch b box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too, the blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping, she says, "If I'd known how tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" the Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," She said. "He made his own lunch."

一个爱尔兰人，一个墨西哥人和一个金发男子在一栋楼房的第三十层施工。

爱尔兰人打开饭盒说：“咸牛肉和卷心菜！下次午饭还吃咸牛肉和卷心菜，我就从这楼上跳下去。”

墨西哥人打开饭盒说：“又是玉米煎饼。下次如果还是玉米煎饼，我也跳下去。”

金发人打开饭盒说：“又是大腊肠。下次如果还是大腊肠三明治，我也跳下去。”

第二天，爱尔兰人打开盒饭看到咸牛肉和卷心菜便跳楼死了。墨西哥人打开饭盒看到玉米煎饼也跳了楼，金发人打开饭盒看到大腊肠也跳楼自杀了。

葬礼上，爱尔兰人的妻子在哭泣，她说：“如果我知道他如此讨厌咸牛肉和卷心菜，我决不会再给他吃！”墨西哥人的妻子也在哭泣着说：“我会给他做玉米面豆卷和辣肉卷！我没有发现他是这么不喜欢吃玉米煎饼。”每个人都把目光转向金发男子的妻子并盯着她看。“嘿，别看我，午饭是他自个做的。”她说。