1 让你重新获得新生/Giving you a new start

One day Mark Twain read an announcement of his death in a newspaper. He hastened to the editor to protest.

"I am very sorry," the editor replied. "It's a terrible mistake, but it's too late to do much about it. The best thing I can do for you is to put you in the Birth Column tomorrow morning and give you a new start."

一天，马克·吐温在一份报纸上读到一则关于他的死亡讣告。他急忙赶到编辑那儿去抗议。

“非常抱歉，”编辑说，“这是一个可怕的错误，但是要弥补已为时太晚。我能为您做的最好的事情是将您刊登在明天早晨出版的出生栏中，让您重新获得新生。”

2 朋友只是来送行/My friends only came to say goodbye

There were three professors at the railway station. They were deep in conversation. The train had just arrived, but they did not notice it. Then the guard shouted, "All aboard!" 

The professors heard the guard and rushed for the train. Two of them got on the train before it moved. The third one was left behind. It was Professor Egghead. He looked worried. 

One of the professor's students was at the station. He tried to comfort the professor. "It wasn't really bad, sir," said the student. "Two out of three caught the train. That's quite good, you know." "I know," the professor said. "But it was my train. My friends only came to say goodbye." 

三个教授在站台上等火车。他们正在全神贯注地谈话。火车进站了，可是他们都没有注意到。这个时候，列车员喊道：“请上车了！”

教授们听到后飞快地向火车跑去。其中的两个刚登上去，火车就开了。最后一个名叫书呆子的教授没有赶上火车，看起来非常焦虑。

教授的一个学生也在车站，他试图安慰教授：“先生，这还不是很糟，三个中有两个人已经赶上了火车。要知道，这已经很好了。”“我明白，”教授说，“但是要赶火车的是我，他们只是来为我送行的。”

3 有多少副总裁/How many vice presidents

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally, she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing. They even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decide to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says. "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies. "Canned or frozen?"

汤姆被公司提拔为副总裁，汤姆太兴奋了，几周以来一直在妻子面前夸耀着。

最后，妻子实在忍无可忍，就跟汤姆说：“听着，这没什么，杂货店里卖豌豆的还有副总裁呢！”

“真的吗？”汤姆不确定这是真是假，于是决定打电话给杂货店。

一个售货员接了电话，汤姆问：“能让管豌豆的副总裁接电话吗？”

售货员回复：“是要负责罐装豌豆的还是负责冷冻豌豆的副总裁呢？”

4 妈妈，您可以下来了/Mother, You Can Come Down

The cruise ship my friend was working on docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. 

The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70's appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted, "It's okay, mother, you can come down now." 

我的一个朋友在游船上工作。由于潮水当时涨得很高，船停靠在墨西哥的一个港口，船上每个游客不得不用船上很窄的跳板做通道走到很低的码头。 

当一位七十多岁的老妇人站在跳板的顶端时，船上所有的工作人员都吓呆了。跳板太窄，根本没有搀扶老人的空间。因此，老妇人只好慢慢地侧着身子往下走，最终当她安全抵达码头后，大家悬着的心才放了下来。下来后，老妇人转过身，冲着跳板的另一端喊道：“没事的，妈妈，您现在可以下来了。”

5 作弊者/Cheater

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."  

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington', and so did you."  

"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."  

"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was. 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put 'Abraham Lincoln', and so did you.”  

"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.  

"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know', and you put, 'Me neither'.”  

有一天，约翰逊先生在课堂上把约翰尼拉到讲台旁边问道：“约翰尼，我觉得你在这次考试中作弊了。” 

约翰尼非常惊讶，要求约翰逊先生拿出证据。“好的，”约翰逊先生说，“我看到你的试卷上有这样一个问题：‘我们的第一任总统是谁？’紧挨着你的那个名叫玛丽的女孩写的是‘乔治·华盛顿’，你写的也是这个答案。” 

“当然，每个人都知道他是我们的第一任总统。” 

“噢，等一下，”约翰逊先生说，“下一个问题是：‘谁解放了黑奴？’玛丽的答案是‘亚伯拉罕·林肯’，你的答案也是一样。” 

“噢，我昨天晚上看了历史书，我记得。”约翰尼说。 

“等等，等等，”约翰逊先生说，“下一个问题是：‘谁在路易斯安娜大收购时期当了总统？’玛丽写的是‘我不知道’，而你写的则是：‘我也不知道’。”

6 诱饵/The Bait

Mr. Smith telephoned the doctor in the middle of the night. 

"Come quickly, Doctor, you know that my wife sleeps with her mouth open. Well, a mouse has run inside her!" 

"I will be with you in about ten minutes," replied the doctor. "Until I arrive, try holding a piece of cheese in front of her mouth. This may bring the mouse out." 

When the doctor arrived, Mr. Smith was not holding a piece of cheese. He was holding a fish in front of his wife's mouth.

"What are you doing", asked the doctor. "A mouse doesn't like a fish." 

"I know," said Mr. Smith, "But we have to get a cat at first."  

史密斯先生在半夜里给医生打电话。 

“医生，快来啊！你知道我妻子习惯张着嘴睡觉，结果一只老鼠钻进去了。” 

“我十分钟后到，”医生回答，“在我到达之前，试着在她嘴面前拿一片干奶酪，也许会把老鼠引出来。” 

当医生到达时，史密斯先生不是拿一片干奶酪，而是在妻子嘴前拿着一条鱼。 

“你这是干什么呀？”医生说道，“老鼠不喜欢吃鱼。” 

“这我知道，”史密斯先生说，“可我们得先把猫引出来。”