i have to believe somehow there is a high power that has been watching me.

     in this sad winter day, i suddenly got a phone call from Beijing. in the afternoon, we were in a fitting. a Beijing Phone number showed up on my phone. it is 3:00am there.

     it turned out to be my friend L. she worried about me. she says those others are worry about me as well, i should call them and let them know i am doing fine.

     Oh these friends from 11 years ago, what did i do to have such great friends? L is the most boyish one, cursing all the time and making mean comments about world. but she has the softest heart. she worries about me, she has been waiting to call me. she just lost her cat herself, she knows , somehow today i would be sad.

     then i called those others, some try to give me a lecture about women, others are just making sure i am OK. yeah, yeah, i am trying to see this fuck*ing world and try to face it again. man, whatever i saw already, it is not easy for me. but, whatever, whatever, i am not afraid, if i don't dare to start over, then i am too old.

     then it is N. N the beautiful girl, my best friend. i gave her hugs and warm words when she was in tears, today it is her turn to give me. i watched her growing up with me. this girl is like my big sister today. she had "scandalous" relationships, God, i love her when she said that. cool , i just need to refresh my skills for those relationship stuff, don't I.

     Then it is F, my friend from here. the lovely F. she told me to indulge myself  to be sad today! i will, indulgence is my thing !

     thanks, thanks, i should be so thankful to everything i have, even to those who hurt me. for the moments i was happy, the small moments, the sparkles, the fun, the desire, the warmth. was it true? i guess for how long it existed, it was true. but, well, it is the world, the ever changing world i am living in. in several monthes, i forgot a lot of things, i forgot that i am ready for the whole, fantastic world, and this new thing called "freedom" i love the most, is in my hand, right there.

     i am ready to fly again.