i cannot forget about Z.

I love women in a different way compare to men.
Women are inspiring, especially those brave ones.
Z was a seductress. Z was a underground rock music writer/singer, a lousy painter, a model sometimes, and use to be my friend, before i left Beijing.

I get to know Z because i need to find a model for a photoshoot.
somebody recommended her, saying that she is kind of famous in GZ.and now she is in Beijing and signed " new silk road".
I checked out her pictures. great poses. great face, great body.
she is not the beautiful kind, but she is unique.

So we will meet at this place close to "people's university".
She showed up. short, pettite body, face swelling, lack of sleep.But she does not have a big ego, very sweet, and kind of shy even.
We did the photoshoot in a photographer's studio.
 in front of the lenz she changed into a different person. her body just sings. she shines like a precious stone.

One night she invited us to her performance, this place is called " big west club", close to all the universities in Hai Dian.
Deep into the night, she went up to the stage. her own song. a bit dark, no major, all minors. so they are not happy songs.
but i remember the feeling of the music... her skinny little body standing on the stage, already very expericanced.

i liked her song. but not W, an overly-confident, overly-handsome boy who went with us." her music is so shallow!!" W says...i felt a bit shallow as well since i liked her song.

So we became friends.
she came to our little place, along with other friends. we partied, went to bars at night...
she has stories about boys in her life, obviouly a lot of them.she loves to seduce men, but men usually seems to be affended by it, because she is so confident, so sure, she is almost always in control of the situation.
but still, men likes her body, they will not refuse an offer--who would not want an easy sex?
Z does not care. she indulges.

"How long was your longest sex?" she asked me once." m..." i was hesitant to tell her. " how about you?" i asked her. " three days. he was much older than me."
she seems to be fancinated by the memory of it..."but you need to sleep?" "yeas, in between."
She never hides that she loves men, and loves sex.

One night it was cold out. it must be an early winter day. when we came out from a bar, she had a stomach ache.she was in such pain, she curled her body into a roll...
"i cannot take it...so painful...Seven...i gotta die really young you know...."
i patted her, trying to comfort her.

later when she calm down she said---" you know how many times i had to take abortion? i will never be able to have a baby...but who cares? i can die when i am 40."
her little body was so skinny..i worried about her.

But she never stops. she performs, paint at her little room she rent. ( lousy painter, but i never told her though) writes lyrics. ( i love those poems), try to sign a company so she can have a CD made one day. keep changing her boyfriends...
She never have enough money. we all don't those days. but we have so much hope, don't even know where is it coming from?

What does women have if they decide to face the world by themselves? if this woman is good looking, then she had a body to pay the price. that's even a lucky case. most of the times women are not that brave to use their whole body to face the world. most of them find a man and find security.
i have friends who met their first man in their life, then marry the man, have kids, and try to control the man to every possible corner in their lives. people usually call this kind of woman " a smart woman".

that's why i love Z, love how brave she is and how unique she is. she is so giving. she never holds back. she burns herself, because she loves art, music, men, and sex. she face all of her desire and she indulge herself into them.
And most of all, she is honest to herself.

So i left one day. i missed her and was thinking about meeting her in Beijing when i will be back.
but i cannot see her again. something happened.

She slept with W, the overly confident, overly handsome boy who thinks her music is shallow. and W and his girlfriend broke up bitterly. the girlfriend was my best friend.
the situation is so, i cannot see Z any more.

Z is still performing.
Z says " Rock music and sex are my bible."
She is still not famous yet. but she just keeps doing what she loves to do.

Z is the kind of woman i adore. i really hope her little body can hold her up. all she had in this world, is her body and her brave little soul.


( i wrote about her in Chinese in my other article " the fragile bad girls")