The first time i saw dad, i was already two. it was in Beijing train station, i remembered there were some cold colored paint on the platform. Mom told me i was so scared, i hid myself behind her. "who is this?" i said, that was one of their favorite jokes.

     I was so little, but i did remember a nice-looking guy, smiling, wearing black-framed glasses, and a straight cut black coat.

     Dad was working in that beautiful city, i had been longing to go there for such a long time. that might be because of him.There were so many nice things he brought back from there, one of them i did feel strange was a picture book. on the cover, there were a golden-haired woman standing. She worn a pair of high heeled red sandals, thin straps tied up to her leg. and the title of the book was "Le Louvre".the pictures in that book was very strange. one had man with no leg, another one had many naked women, on the back cover there were a girl holding a skull in the candlelight. so scary.

     Dad had many pictures taken in that city. he wrote words on the back of the pictures. one name i remembered after seeing only one time, it was "枫丹白露".

     In a lot of pictures dad would wear a 70's style suit, dark colored tie,young, filled with hope, happy. but actually he had to leave home a newly married wife, and had never seen his daughter until she was 2 and half. later he told me, he miss home so much he got drunk during the first spring festival he spent in the city of light.

     "didn't you go to those fashion shows???" after i got into design i asked him. "Yeah-- but we have to consider them the Capitalism rubbish..." he laughed...definitely didn't think so...

     Dad loved Waltz, especially those from John Strauss. " Artists' life--- composer : John Strauss". the casette player always plays them, so many of them, i remembered them all. Dad is romantic and has a vulnerable quality that i always understand. He felt powerless to life in a sense, he never says that, but i know it.

     Bacause he loved those music, of course i had to dislike them. i guess i was so sick of them. i went to Russia for music inspiration...

     Dad flew a lot when i was in elementery school. Whenever he can, he would bring back all kinds of small things from the plane. nice, transparent  plastic cups, a fig, a piece of cheese, an apple shaped chocolate...we never see those in Beijing!! i loved them so much...

     One afternoon there was a sand storm, i was in third grade.the sky was yellow, the sun was purple. i ran home, because dad suppose to be back from a short trip. i still remember that distinct aroma in the room--from all the things he brought back...my favorite was an umbrella, it is made with Satin, dark purple color with white band along the edge. four or five thin black lines on the edge of the white. i had never seen a more beautiful umbrella since then.

     I was so happy that afternoon...

     Then dad had to leave for four years when i was 12. we went to the airport..i was holding my tears until the last second...but he saw it..he stopped for a second, then left...He told me after a long time, he saw me and was so moved...

     Dad loves me deeply. i know that. He never express it.but i feel the pain.

     When i was little, He washed my hair for me, but in his way-- He will tell me to lay down, and let my hair drape into a basin-- so he wash it without wet my face at all. then he will blow dry it, carefully style it at the split part...

     When i was 17, i did something they really felt ashamed about. I was in a rebellious mood, i basicly threw myself out. i felt that i lost everything in the world, i don't care any more. He never comforted me, He was so angry. " you know, your shame is my shame, you put shame on yourself, you put shame on me!! we are one!! do you understand??"

     I did wish a hug or some warm words from them during my harddest time...but i did not get one from my parents...many years passed, i forgave everybody, but whenever i thought about what he had said, i felt deeply sorry to him and mom...did i ever say that to him?? a sorry?....i cannot forgive myself...

     they always think i will be OK. " you got a bird in your name, you will fly one day" They always say so. they think i am strong. i can stand by myself." you will be fine, you can do it..."

     Some say people chose their partner that's similar to their parents. i cannot seem to relate that to dad-- i always chose those unconventional, wild or rebellious ones, but dad is not like that.

     But i have a deep sympathy towards the vulnerability of man, that might be from dad.i see the quality instantly on a man and will be moved by it. i think that might be from the feeling of dad's love.

     Dad's birthday is coming. it is a big one. and i cannot be there on the day...

     I called him tonight, he sounds happy, and do not seem to worry about me too much.

     Dad, as usual, i am fine, i am strong, i can stand by myself, i am that girl you know and love, as always...

     I love you dad, i will never say that in front of you, ( cause you never said that to me!! ) but i do.