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At this point of my life, i wish i could stay away from hurting people and being hurt.
When I was young, I did not care about men's feelings, when I did not love them.
Because maybe i want to take revenge on them, deep inside. Maybe i was that angry.
Once there was this guy, he showed me a photo album, filled with girls' pictures. they all slept with him.
He showed me after he took pictures of me. of course. haha.
"You know, sometimes i made them pregnant, so they have to take an abortion. i was just that bad". He confessed.
I still remembered that moment, i start to hate him.
"i want to dump you as a rag one day." i thought, " i want to hurt you".
But i cannot. the worst i can do is to seduce his friend in front of him. He sighed, that was all i remembered.
He is somewhere in my hometown now, maybe still live like that, maybe married and had kids, who knows, who cares.
I cannot hurt him. he did not love me, i did not love him. It was just desire, only desire. How sad.
i always think, after all, we are human beings, we are different from animals.
But my inner conflict are always there. i cannot overcome that.
So, i thought i am ready for freedom, i am filled with courage again.
But in front of the real world, i start to doubt, if i can handle this.
No matter how strong i thought i became over the years, i still could be hurt, badly.
I see girls in tears, they are happily sad for love. isn't that what i want? my cold heart needed a little bit tear...
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