飞飞，你其实是个非常非常用心的妈妈。TEEN的孩子那一相处有叛逆等等我想不少妈妈都有或多或少的体会，我也经历了同样阶段。和孩子做朋友，如何走进他的内心世界，尊重孩子，感觉他们情绪变化，跌倒时扶一把，成功时热烈的祝贺和他一同欣喜，告诉孩子我们的弱点，让他内心也引起同情，坦诚和他相处，和他一起成长一起学会如何做一个更好的父母是走进孩子内心获得认同的钥匙。
在我们的文化中，对孩子成长中批评，指责，管教，唠叨会比较多些，这都是负面的。我和孩子讨论过这问题，学会象老美样说话的技巧真的是一个很重要的功课，我曾经很真诚对孩子说，在与人相处中，说话的技巧，让对方感觉舒适上，他确实比我和他爸爸要强很多。TEEN的自我意思逐渐增强，如果我们只是用自身的经验去说教他们是会非常不服气的，承认他们的长处，换位思考交流一些经验相对来说他们更容易接受一些。阿毛曾经说过，做弱势父母，确实感觉对TEEN很管用。
高中4年，是孩子认识自我，回归很重要的阶段。孩子通过学习，集体活动，义工，工作学会如何和人相处，延伸到和家庭成员相处。儿子曾经和我交流，说,他在外面可以很NICE对待别人，甚至是一些不太友好的人，都可以有耐心，有爱心，为什么反而对自己的父母，如此呵护在意自己的人常常会没有耐心烦躁呢？我已经给了他相当大的自由，但他有时还是会对我发脾气，事后又非常后悔自己的作为。他惹我们不高兴，同时又反过来让自己很内疚不开心。他意识到如果他不改变这点，在将来他会用同样的方式伤害自己未来的家庭，这是他要学的功课。我很高兴在与他互动中他能认识到这点并真的改变他。
说实在的，现在和儿子的关系真的是前所未有的好。以前睡觉前是我去他的房间说晚安，现在是他每天来我的房间道晚安并拥抱。即使在公众场合下，如果我生病他都会问候我给我一个拥抱，在我心情沮丧的时候他一定要逗得我笑了为止。前些天接到我妹妹的邮件，我才知道他写信去安慰我妹妹，原因是妹妹的孩子不重视SAT考试，考得不好。下面是他给大姨写的信：
“我只想让你知道,你是一个伟大的母亲.
看到这封信，我确实很欣慰，孩子懂事了。
和大家分享一篇我喜欢的文章，也祝所有的父母和TEEN相处能更愉快！
I Love You Enough to Let You Hate Me
When our daughters were little, we used to play the “How Much Do You Love Me” game. Spreading our arms wide, we‘d say, “I love you soooo big!” Sam always had a cute way of saying it–”I love you huggy much and sweet.” Those were the cute days, when love was enough to satisfy almost everything, except for their ferocious appetites, that is.
Now that they’re older, we say ‘I love you’ differently. A text message Luv u or a quick Love you – Love you, too, as the girls are flying out the door. But once in a while, I find it necessary to say I love you a little differently. Today is one of those days, and today this is how I’m telling my daughters that I do, indeed, love them.
Sometimes when I say no, it’s because I love you. Really.
Sometimes when I say yes, it’s also because I love you.
Sometimes I let you spread your wings and fly, visiting friends and spending the night with them. I know you need friends and fun, and I say yes because I love you.
But when you’re gone for three days and nights, I’ll yank you right back, just like a momma bear would do. So, fly, but always know that when you fly too far, I’ll clip your wings. Why? Because I love you.
I got you a cell phone because I love you. I know, everyone has one. But I love you enough to check in with you and make sure you’re okay. I love you enough to encourage you to check in with me and let me know you’re okay. But when that phone is at somebody else’s house on a charger and I can’t reach you, I love you enough to take it away. You don’t get the awesome privilege of texting your friends 24/7 if you don’t respond to me.
As I have with every one of you, I love you enough that I will not – ever- let you drive to school. Oh, I know that you think I hate you because of that, but it’s 100% based on love. I’ve attended the wakes of too many teenagers who never made it to school or home from school on that same route.
So, while you’re sitting here in our boring house tonight hating me because you want to spend the fourth night away from home, there are some things you need to know. When you push, I’ll pull. When you want more freedom, I might impose more limitations.
You see, everything is great – in moderation. Friends are wonderful, but they aren’t eveything. You have a family, too. We also need you. You also need us, though you don’t always know it. You need rules, restrictions, and reminders. You need to learn respect and gain the values you’ll need when you don’t need me anymore.
The only thing that doesn’t require moderation is love. Whether it’s SO BIG or huggy much and sweet, there’s always room for more.
Sometimes, the greatest way to show that love is provide limits, even though I know that, right now, you’ll hate me for it.
I love you enough to let you hate me.
Someday, I hope you’ll thank me for loving you that much.
