When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

MAE WEST

You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.

FRANK ZAPPA

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.

MARK TWAIN

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

WOODY ALLEN

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

HARRY TRUMAN

All my life I've wanted to be somebody; I realize now that I should have been more specific.

LILY TOMLIN

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

MARION PEARSON

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

HONORE DE BALZAC

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

MARK TWAIN

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

SHIRLEY TEMPLE

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

E.E. CUMMINGS

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

JENNIFER UNLIMITED

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

LILY TOMLIN

He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.

BERTOLT BRECHT

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

W.C. FIELDS

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

ANTON CHEKHOV

I can resist everything except temptation.

OSCAR WILDE

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.

MARK TWAIN

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

PAUL NEWMAN

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

VOLTAIRE

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.

WOODY ALLEN

I like children -- fried.

W.C. FIELDS

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

STEVEN WRIGHT

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

ELLEN DEGENERES

A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it's the stupid ones who need all the advice.

BILL COSBY

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

MARK TWAIN

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

ZSA ZSA GABOR

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

SACHA GUITRY

I wasn't kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth.

CHICO MARX

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

GORE VIDAL

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

GLORIA LEONARD

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

AL CAPONE

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

JERRY SEINFELD

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

STEVEN WRIGHT

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

HEDY LAMARR

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

EMO PHILIPS

Source: http://www.usefultrivia.com/quotations/humorous_quotes.html