A lot of people have it. There is Jewish exceptionalism, American exceptionalism and Chinese exceptionalism. They all believe they are special, the chosen one. I more or less feel the same way. But there is sneaking suspicion creeping in the back of my mind that I am mediocre. I am learning to accept it. I wish I can stop chasing glory one day. 

There is this idealized self. It has been built up over the years as defense mechanism. There are several pillars of it, being smart, good at sports, being kind hearted. But the reality is I am only mediocrely smart. I have yet to accomplish one thing that I am truly proud of. I also don't have much of talent at sports. I can play a lot of sports. But I never was able to get past the advanced beginner stage in any of them. I am as selfish as many other people. I have this tendency to please others that resembles kind-heartedness. Occasional good deeds makes me feel morally superior. 

I keep getting reminded this idealized self is not real. How can I claim to be good at sports if I keep losing to 9 yrs old girls at ping pong after taking months of private lessons? How can I claim to be smart if I have never built a successful product? How can I be so kind hearted if I don't even want to be around people?