（上半文是在没有中文软件的电脑上写的，而下半文则在有中文的电脑上写的）

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A wife posted a question in the city and welcomes anyone’s opinion. (See the link: http://blog.wenxuecity.com/blogview.php?date=200712&postID=19631 under comments)

The question more or less sounds like this: “Should I Give My Husband the Permission to Meet Other Women?”

I believe we always face the dilemma in a situation like this.

We all know well that we have multiple needs that our “significant other” can no way possibly satisfy all. On one side, we want to love our spouse by letting him/her explore ways to fully meet him/her needs. On the other, we also have a need to keep our civil union by following certain rules and practices, written or unwritten. But by looking back at our history, those so-called rules have been evolving dramatically in the past two hundred years.

Here is an analogy. Our primary residence is like our marriage or spouse, while our secondary house(s), rented resort house, apartment or rooms are like our other social encounters. Both our need to live in our primary home and the need of getaways once in a while exist, and most of us have handled this very well. But why we cannot handle our personal social needs well enough in the same fashion?

For individuals, I do believe it takes mutual understanding, skills, training and practice to reach a fully satisfactory marriage: Full of love, freedom, fun, color and drama. Bill Clinton’s scandal made his marriage look bad, but it may turn out to be better than average marriage (if not most) in America.

Do not forget the purpose of our marriage is to satisfy our needs more, not less. If we can satisfy your spouse’s needs eighty percent or more, that’s great. But what if we can’t, for whatever reasons, temporarily or permanently?

My opinion is give the rights back to him/her, if you had taken it away already. Trust and let him/her make his/her own judgment and decision. The more room you give, the stronger bond between you two might eventually develop. It is without a risk, but as someone said, if he/she can EASILY run away from your marriage, then probably he/she doesn’t belong to you in the first place.

Again, the key is to treat each other with equal fairness and mutual respect, as in “Treat others the way you would like to be treated”.

Here is a case I heard from a wife, who claimed she gave more room to her husband than I could ever think of. She said she didn’t mind he meets other women, but she could not accept that whenever he had a good time with another girl he treated her (his wife) badly. So she gave her husband the bottom line: Keep it good or drop it (marriage). As husband we better not trash our wives, if we want to keep them.

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大家都熟悉的一句老口号是：“生命诚可贵，爱情价更高。若为自由故，两者皆可抛。”我想用这句话来形容男人是再确切不过了。一个能够充分地给与自己先生自由的太太在他先生的眼里一定会是非常值得尊重的，因为这是所有男人愿意从自己太太那儿最想得到的东西。

反过来太太想从自己先生那儿得到是什么呢？很可能是她在他心中的分量，而这一点可以通过每一件小事由先生对太太的是否尊重来体现。做家长的为什么会那么地放心让自己的孩子和邻家的孩子玩呢？因为家长认识那个邻家的小孩，而自己的孩子很勤地汇报自己的去向和事先征得同意做什么事。英美两国关系密切却不会限制对方和别国发展良好的关系，因为他们总会经常地相互通报各自的想法和情况的发展。紧密合作的俩家公司不会因对方和别家公司的合作而反感，如果双方都很注意相互关照的话。任何合作关系都有相似的地方，那就是给与对方足够的尊重。道理很简单：你去和其他的女孩出去，即使有很正当的理由，而你显得很暧昧，躲躲闪闪和神秘兮兮的，你的太太会感到舒服那才是真的怪了。

听起来有点可笑，“难道我和别的女孩幽会还要事先通报老婆并征得她同意？”我想除非你真的心里想和老婆分手，否则这样做完全是行得的通的，甚至你会惊讶的发现其实你的太太是很同情达理的。你原来害怕她不会同意而不向她通报那是因为你一开始就假设她是个小肚量的女人，于是她的肚量就越变越小。但如果你一返常态，一开始就假设她与众不同，淑女大方，并以此而待她，而她真的就越变越大方了。

十年前一女友来我们附近的城市出差，其中有一天正好我也有事可以路过该城市，于是就相约见上一面。见面时已近中午了，开始一起用餐。那时我还没有手机，见她用手机接了个电话，就问我可不可以借用她的给太太打个电话。那时手机打长途收费挺贵的（有Roaming之类的），就简单地告诉太太我开车一路平安，见到了朋友，现正准备一块吃午饭。电话完后朋友表示很惊讶，说她可不敢事先告诉自己的LG将要去赴约的是个男生。其实我的这一个电话意义深远。首先，向自己的太太报一下平安是最基本的礼节，表示对她的尊重，不要让她担忧。其次通过这样的方式我等于从她那儿获得了一路的绿灯，接下去陪女友玩了一整天，又一块吃了一顿丰盛的晚餐。玩得轻松愉快，毫无内疚感。

以后我用的是同样简单的方法，和女友有事单独外出相安无事。甚至太太也接到过女友来约我一块打球或跳舞的电话。听上去一个已婚男人和别的女人平凡交往或单独外出显得格外引人注目。其实不见得，这要看当事人怎么做和怎么想了。比如我和一女友常通电话，聊工作，也聊家庭和孩子（男人之间很少聊私事，聊公事直接了当。而女人即使聊公事也要先寒暄一下私事才行，否则她会觉得冒犯）。回到家会和太太简单通报一下或提一下女友的近况（当然若有Flirting的细节就免提了；））。有机会见到女友LG时也会让他得知我们时有交流。久而久之和我保持交往的女友最后也都成了我和太太共同的朋友。我的交友标准很简单：合得来和图方便。除了对种族，肤色，学历等外，我对年龄和性别也非常地“色盲”。我常纳闷：为什么结了婚的男人和其他女人的交往要受到限制呢？本来这个世界上就知音难觅，这样我们交友的选择不就又少了一半了吗？

其实要限制一个男人对其他的女人感兴趣是件不可能的事。如果他只身在外而要限制他与其他女人的交往那更是会弄巧成拙。与其为自己无能为力的事烦心，还不如把重心放在自己和他的关系上。只要他对自己好，何必要让他对别人的好坏来烦自己呢？记得结婚前太太跟我说，我以后如果有外遇可以，只是最好不要告诉她以免得她会难受。心想能讲这样话的女孩还可真的不多见喔。。。

好了，还是再回到本文的话题，我的看法是做太太的应该给与自己先生充分自主和自由，但也要看她的先生值得不值得她这样做。