女儿比儿子大好几岁，是个乖乖女。可儿子从小就是个惹事生、捣蛋鬼。

在幼儿园的时候，有一个学期被老师告状特别多，弄得每次 TT 去接儿子都要提心吊胆，生怕又要被老师数落自己的儿子。我说，好吧，那就让我去和老师谈一次。

我的看法是，一个老师老是向家长告状，就表示她管不住自己的学生才要求助于家长的帮助。在家的管教自然由父母负责，可是学生在校是和老师打交道，家长很难有效地起作用，干涉不好甚至还会产生副作用。所以我和老师谈话的要点就是要提醒老师关键是她还得靠自己在学校发挥她的权威和作用。

因为这是一家私立学校，我就趁势说我们之所以将孩子送到该校，就是因为听说这里的老师们受过良好的培训，对小孩的教育很有一套，所以相信在她的教导下我们的儿子很快会变成品位不错的学生。这一招果然很灵，老师一反告状的态度，却谈起了自己新的设想和方案。以后几次碰到她我有随便问起我们儿子的近况，似乎是在检查她的工作进展，而她竟一个劲地说我们儿子大有长进。就这样轻而易举地为 TT 解决了一个烦心的难题。

其实儿子是一个坐不住而喜欢挑战的人，只要能管得住他的老师一般都挺喜欢他的。在小学的课后托儿所（ After School Day Care Center ）刚开始的时候有一个女老师就很喜欢他，说有他在整个 Center 就充满了活力。可惜后来她要去读硕士而离开了，随后告状的事就接踵而来，甚至还被 Suspend 过。我就只好再用原来的方法如法炮制一番，才又有了转机。

上次回国时我们让儿子、女儿去参加了一个由当地外办（我妹妹的单位）和一个学院联合举办为期十天的中外青少年夏令营。学生中十二个是来自国内，另外十二个是境外学生，分别来自美国、加拿大和澳洲等英语系国家。我们儿子是最小的一个，比招生年龄下限还小一岁，是破例被接受的。这是一个全住宿的营地，在郊外的一所大学里。通过电话，每天可以从姐姐的嘴里知道弟弟惹的坏事。比如吃饭不好好吃，还把杂物放到女生的碗里，等等。弄得 TT 又整天担心儿子会不会为夏令营的老师们添麻烦。

因为机票的原因，我们不得不提前两天把孩子们从营地接走，直接去机场上飞机回美国。离开营地时两个女老师非常舍不得我们孩子的离开，特别是对我们的小儿子，紧紧得和他拥抱道别。没想到说着说着两个老师竟然当着我的面泪流满面起来，把我感动得也差点掉了眼泪，而我们儿子却不知道发生了什么事。回美国后和妹妹通电话时，她还多次提起那两个老师对我们小儿子的想念。所以 TT 当初的担忧其实是虚惊一场。

儿子现在大了一点，和姐姐一样养成了读书的习惯。 Harry Porter 的书已读到了第三本，可是调皮捣蛋的习气还是屡教不改，在课堂上常常会因为忙他自己的事而忽略了对老师的讲课。那天老师刚告诉大家接下去该干什么，我儿子肯定又 miss 掉了，跑上讲台问老师他接下去该干什么。老师气得大声叫他回到自己的座位去。弄得他很受委屈，在自己的座位上哭了。

晚上睡觉时他把这件不开心的事告诉了妈妈，并说他不知道自己做错了什么而受到老师大声的训斥（ She Shouted At Me ）。 TT 问我改怎么办。我对儿子说如果你还不清楚是怎么回事那你还得礼貌地回去问老师。如果你觉得不好问，我可以替你问。他想了想还是愿意我出面。下面就是第二天我和他老师交换的几个 e-mail 。

======== e-mails 的原文（名字作了改动） =======

1 ）这是我对老师的询问信：
Hi, Mrs. Hopkins,
Good morning.
Jack told us that he got some consequence from you for his behavior yesterday, but he said he didn't know what he did wrong. I said he should ask if he didn't understand. He said he tried but failed to get an answer.
I told him he should try it again in a very polite way today, if it still bothered him. I gave him the choice that either he asks you directly today or I ask you via an e-mail. He said he would rather I do it.
We will appreciate it if you could be kindly enough to give us a quick explanation for what happened yesterday.
Thanks.
Jack’s Dad

2) 这是老师给我的回应：
I talked to Jack about it at the end of the day, so I'm surprised he was confused. After I had just finished explaining what the students were suppose to do, he came running up to me after I excused the children to their stations, and asked what he was suppose to do. I told him to sit back down because I had just told him what to do. He started to cry at his seat. I talked to him and told him that I was upset with him because I had just told him what to do. He said he hadn't understood. I then told him that he should have said he didn't understand what I had said, instead of coming up and asking what to do. I hope this clarifies things.
Cindy Hopkins
Gabriea Elementary School

3) 我对她的回应的回应：
Thank you Mrs. Hopkins. That helps a lot.
Everyone would feel upset if he/she is being asked something that he/she had just delivered.
If I were the person who missed it, for whatever reason, and if I felt I could not wait, I would raise my hand and say something like: "Sorry Mrs. Hopkins, but I missed what you just said. Could you please say that again?"
But I don't believe Jack has that ability well developed yet.
First of all, he needs to learn how to pay attention when he needs to. Secondly, he needs to develop the ability to correct himself in case he misses his opportunity to listen. I think he lacks both.
That might be the reason he still didn't get it even after you talked to him at the end of the day: He was overwhelmed by his upset, shut down his system and missed another chance to listen or pay attention to why you were upset. He needs to learn to pay attention to others' upset too, not just his own.
We have been happy that Jack has been learning well at school. But once in a while he might bump into something that reminds us that he still has a lot to learn.
Thanks again for your help.
4) 老师最后的回信：
Thank you for your understanding of the situation. I talked to him today about it. I explained how I felt and told him that although I had been upset with him that day I was no longer upset with him because he had a good day yesterday and today. I reminded him again that if he did not hear the instructions or did not understand he could ask a friend before asking me.
Thank you and have a great weekend.
Cindy Hopkins
Gabriea Elementary School
======= 信的结束 ======

之后我把以上的 e-mails 打印了出来和儿子一起又 review 了一遍。我的用心是要指出儿子他该长进的地方，同时也给老师一个 message ，提醒她需要给我儿子什么样的关照。

我想我的目的是达到了。；）

<<<<<<<< 后续 >>>>>>>>
我是投博客时顺便在论坛上挂一下，但却不知道怎么在论坛上找到自己的文章。朋友发来e-mail时才知道大家留的言。

是的，儿子被宠的厉害。那是妈妈愿意宠。妈妈说，孩子长大很快，到时候你再想宠机会就没了。这叫机不可失，时不再来。除非再生一个。想想倒也是。

母子俩常常是Love-and-Hate Relationship。妈妈到了管不住的时候，就要爸爸来做规矩。可是爸爸也不想多扮黑脸。其实爸爸也有他的理儿。想想自己小时候的调皮，现在的儿子哪是对手啊。想当初玩摔扔燃着的火柴（很酷的那种，扔的以前不燃，到了半空才起火），都把女孩的头发给燃着了。回想起来，那时给女孩们造成的许多麻烦，其实也是自己对女孩喜欢的一种表示。上了大学以后见了亲戚朋友，都说我换了个人。以前的‘受害者们’也只是把我从前干的‘坏事’当作好玩故事来讲而已，丝毫没有耿耿于怀的感觉。我就对太太说，长大了儿子自然会懂事的，只要看看我就是了。；）

可能和姐姐一起玩的缘故，儿子经常喜欢和比他大的小孩玩，不管是男孩还是女孩。一个朋友家三个都是男孩，最小的也比我们儿子大一岁（我儿子马上要九岁了）。每次见到我都要问我儿子在哪儿。如果说我儿子马上就到，他们就齐声地欢呼起来。他们的妈妈见了奇怪，对他们说，你们一个个都比他要大，怎么老是要和一个小不点儿一起玩呢？有一次几家朋友一块去一家自助餐馆吃饭。儿子和一个比她大几岁的小女孩拉斜了椅子面对面地在聊天。那女孩的漂亮妈妈正好坐在我的对面，时不时地会指着他们俩提醒我说，瞧我儿子对她的女儿是多么地专注啊。是啊，几年前她女儿见着我儿子还老要躲着，现在竟然可以在一起长聊了。我不妨趁势说，是啊，竟然和我对你的专注不相上下了。

好几年前回国，和亲戚朋友在餐馆吃饭，经常是两大桌，上辈和小辈分开。那时儿子还很小，但每次一眼就相中了来者中最漂亮的女性，有刚考上大学的大姐姐，也有步入了中年的时髦阿姨。而且非要点名和他所选中的坐在一起。老爸在边上暗暗地吃惊：怎么儿子和老子的Taste竟那么地吻合呢？

至于儿子干的种种‘坏事’，这里就不便一一列出了。反正在老爸的眼里，那绝对是小巫见大巫。

其实厉害的老师还不少，把我儿子管的好好的。上个学期就是这样。在开家长会时老师告诉我们，儿子在开学的两个星期内对她的权威发起强有力的挑战攻势，但以后就一路顺风。在班里还常被选为President。当老师得知我儿子在Student Care Center表现不好，就主动伸出援助之手。她对我儿子说，在其他地方表现不好，他在班上的President位置也要被取消。这一招果然很灵。

[February 8, 2008] 今天早回家先把儿子接回来。见到了Student Care Center的负责人。她对我说："Jack has been great. Perfect." 我不失时机地说，这可都是你们的功劳，我们很满意。