Allegedly from actual resumes as reported by Fortune magazine:
(Contributor Unkown)

• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

• Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

• Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave.

• As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

（我加个注：Commiserate = sympathize, pity = 同情，可怜。
Commensurate = equal, corresponding = 对等， 对应
plague = 疟疾，plaque = 奖状
Maturity=成熟， maternity leave = 产假
Indicted = 被指控罪名， indicated = 指出)

• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

• It's best for employers that I not work with people.

• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

• Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

• I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

• I am loyal to my employer at all costs...

• Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
• I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

• My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

• I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

• Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

• Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping." I have never quit a job.

• Marital status: often. Children: various.

• Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

• Finished eighth in my class of ten.