Today, after I wake up, the first thing I do is to check mail, see whether you have replied my 'exam'. Yeah, I see a new mail titled as '6/20 answers'. Suddenly, I feel so afraid to open it. It's like waiting for the gambling result to turn out--either I will win a big price, or, I will loose completely. I know if I'm very sad, my whole week, or even more than this week, will be ruined. Well, I have to know what you are thinking, I can't escape. Then, I click it in fear and trembling.



Strangly, I don't feel neither too happy nor too sad. What you write there is not the best case or the worse case I 've prepared. I know you are telling the truth, the very truth that I can see clearly. They are just the answers to my questions. You said it's a combination of friendship and L, things have happened quite recently and quickly, and it's still hard for you to tell between friendship and L. That's true, even I feel 20060610 was more than several months ago, but it's just a month ago. It's natural that you feel you haven't got enough time to distinglush the two feelings. I don't know why I want you to tell me if it's L or friendship so badly. Then I think about it, and get the answer: I want to know where we are going in future, keeping this relationship? or back to friends? Every question I gave you points to this essential point. I read you mail for more than 4 times. I cann't decode it. I understand it's not you, but me, making things implicated. Should I just tell you the above question directly? Should I ask you to come here to read my previous posts? I don't know. It seems like the ball has been rolling back to me. I know if I don't ask you, we can keep our secret relationship for a bit longer, but that's really hard for me as I don't know how long it can last. I don't want to put too much pressure on you or make you worry about me too much. Thus, I created this blog, and write down all my sadnesss and how much I miss you here rather than in the msg I send you. You say if I am happy, I am doing a big favor for you. Well, that's why I don't want you to know I am upset. You always ask me to be happy, but how can I be happy without you???Therefore, everyday, I only tell you half of my daily story, the happy half off course; and hide the unhappy half here. But, I'm also afraid that if you just see the 'happy me'everyday, you will think I can survive without you, and have reassurance to leave me alone to move on, without knowing the 'other half of me' is still struggling. But, I also know I shouldn't hold you back. I want you to be happy too if I L you. Well, if someone has to suffer, I would rather it's only me, not involving you at all......

Should I ask you directly?



(20060712 09:08 am)